Meditation is hard in stressful times, and I think it makes me more stressed!

Last updated March, 2018.

​note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required).

It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"

Cynthia writes:

"I'm going through stressful times, and frankly I am finding it too hard to meditate. I can notice my thoughts when things are calm - but, when things are not calm, my ability to observe vanishes. At that point, if I force myself to meditate, I get more upset, more stressed, more angry than before. I've been trying for a few weeks now - any advice?"

You said you can notice thoughts when things are calm but not when they are stressful. Let me rephrase that for you: you are saying you can meditate unless it's too hard to meditate!

This doesn't apply only to you, or only to meditating - it's the case for most of us, and with most things in life!

When conditions are good, it's easy to do the things we are supposed to do. When conditions aren't good, it's hard to do the things we are supposed to do:

• It's easy to be nice and understanding with those around us during calm and peaceful times. But, it's hard to do if you are stressed, trying to meet a deadline, dealing with rude people, in a bad mood, etc.
• Do you play sports? It's easy to perform when no one is around and the conditions are perfect. But, it's harder to perform during the game when the pressure is on and people are watching you (or depending on you!). 
• And, think about positive habits you try to develop and maintain - for example, exercising, eating healthy, cutting back on alcohol. If everything is going well, these habits are easier to stick with. But, they tend to be the first things to go if your daily life becomes challenging.

With meditating, you can't look at it as a "quick fix" or a spot treatment: you can't just do it sporadically and expect meaningful benefits. You have to build a consistent practice, and do it every day - whether things are going good or not. Well, especially if they're not!

This consistency and repetition will improve your ability to observe your compulsive mind and its non-stop activity, and it will strengthen awareness so you can see everything as it unfolds. As a result, you learn not to get caught up in all of it. The more you do it (sit and practice), the more you will be able to carry that skill into stressful times and use it. 

Put another way: practice makes perfect. Though, technically, perfection isn't skillful to strive for - so, practice makes better. 

You also said meditating causes you to get more stressed, upset, and angry. Realize that meditating doesn't cause these thoughts, emotions, or mental states. It simply strengthens awareness of what is already there. So, by definition, you become more aware of your compulsive mind, your racing thoughts, and whatever they give rise to: stress, anxiety, depression, problems with focus, and so on. 

But, again, it's already there whether you meditate or not.

While you can't run from it, you can ignore it - but that's not a healthy option. The thoughts and emotions will end up manifesting in different ways:

• Some people have "breakdowns."
• Some people lose their temper, or explode in anger/rage.
• Some people develop physical symptoms - headaches, back pain, neck pain, and other conditions.

The good news is, meditating doesn't ignore it - it treats the root cause. When you practice, your job is to:

• Notice the activity (thoughts, emotions, urges, that inner-narrative).
• Refrain from judging and labeling.
• Move your attention away from the activity and let it be as it is.

Moving your attention away is the critical part, and meditating helps you develop this skill. Through a consistent practice, you learn that none of the mental activity is permanent. Your mind will try to convince you it is, but you can see for yourself it isn't. You can learn to watch it pass the same as you watched it come - just like clouds in the sky.

The reward that comes from a consistent practice is you no longer get lost in the drama of your compulsive mind. And, as a result, you can live a happier, more peaceful life.

Stop trying to "cope."

Whether you're struggling with stress, anxiety, sleep problems, or something else, coping doesn't work.

Addressing the root cause does.

If you're ready, we'll show you how.