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note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the end of this article (no email required).  Alternate title: Why expectations cause you to suffer - and, what to do about it. -- Anger. Worry. Stress. Anxiety. Depression. Why do we get upset? Why do we worry endlessly? Why do we see ourselves as victims of people and situations? Epictetus said "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them." More recently, Captain Jack Sparrow said "The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." This is where many readers will stop, because they believe I'm going to lecture them about positive thinking, or having a sunny outlook no matter what challenges they face. But that's not the solution, and we've dispelled the myth of "forced positive thinking" in the past. The solution is more than that and, at the same time, simpler than that. Demanding expectations We all have expectations, and it's the demanding nature of those expectations that cause our suffering. Our demanding expectations are characterized by words and phrases like "must," "needs to," "has to," and "should be" or "should do."
Our demanding expectations give rise to thoughts, emotions, and urges which, in turn, reinforce and strengthen those demanding expectations. The entire process becomes automatic and repetitive: something happens, it doesn't meet your demanding expectations, your mind cycles through the habitual mental drama, you suffer. But you are not suffering from the "something that happens" - you are suffering from your demanding expectations! Conditioning yourself to drop expectations is the logical solution, but it can be challenging...after all, you've spent a lifetime developing and reinforcing them. What if they weren't so demanding, though? Instead of "I must do this" or "That person needs to do that" or "That situation should result in this outcome," what if you adopted more flexible expectations? Consider this: "I prefer 'X,' but if I don't get 'X' (or 'X' doesn't happen), my life will not end." Stop clinging to those demanding expectations. Re-frame them to be more flexible, as demonstrated above. This shift can instantly end much of your self-imposed suffering. And from there, you can work on dropping expectations entirely. Here are a few points to remember when it comes to adopting more flexible expectations:
Can life be a struggle at times? Absolutely. But, if you are reading this right now, you've successfully survived 100% of your struggles so far. Now, give yourself a break and stop the self-imposed suffering. "I prefer 'X,' but if I don't get 'X' (or 'X' doesn't happen), my life will not end." We have a free guide to mindfulness and meditation that’s been shared almost a million times. You don’t need to register or provide any information - just go read it. This article was sent to our private mailing list a few weeks ago. Like it? Sign up to receive future emails here (it's free!). < A request: This is an ad-free (and, pop-up free) site. If what we write helps you, please share it by copying the URL https://www.thetadprinciple.com/daily-musings/demanding-expectations and posting it to social media (or, email it to a friend!). Thank you! Comments are closed.
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