Demanding expectations.

note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required).

Alternate title: Why expectations cause you to suffer - and, what to do about it.
​
--

Anger. Worry. Stress. Anxiety. Depression.

Why do we get upset? Why do we worry endlessly? Why do we see ourselves as victims of people and situations?

Epictetus said

"Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them."

More recently, Captain Jack Sparrow said

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem."

This is where many readers will stop, because they believe I'm going to lecture them about positive thinking, or having a sunny outlook no matter what challenges they face.

But that's not the solution, and we've dispelled the myth of "forced positive thinking" in the past. The solution is more than that and, at the same time, simpler than that.


Demanding expectations

We all have expectations, and it's the demanding nature of those expectations that cause our suffering.

Our demanding expectations are characterized by words and phrases like "must," "needs to," "has to," and "should be" or "should do."

• I must get that promotion (or job, or gadget, or new pair of shoes).
• That person has to treat me fairly.
• This situation needs to turn out as I planned (and hoped).
• Everything should be how I want it.

Our demanding expectations give rise to thoughts, emotions, and urges which, in turn, reinforce and strengthen those demanding expectations.

The entire process becomes automatic and repetitive: something happens, it doesn't meet your demanding expectations, your mind cycles through the habitual mental drama, you suffer.

But you are not suffering from the "something that happens" - you are suffering from your demanding expectations!

Conditioning yourself to drop expectations is the logical solution, but it can be challenging...after all, you've spent a lifetime developing and reinforcing them. What if they weren't so demanding, though? Instead of "I must do this" or "That person needs to do that" or "That situation should result in this outcome," what if you adopted more flexible expectations?

Consider this:

"I prefer 'X,' but if I don't get 'X' (or 'X' doesn't happen), my life will not end."

Stop clinging to those demanding expectations. Re-frame them to be more flexible, as demonstrated above. This shift can instantly end much of your self-imposed suffering. And from there, you can work on dropping expectations entirely.

Here are a few points to remember when it comes to adopting more flexible expectations:

• Acceptance is key - acceptance of yourself, others, and life in general. When you step back and let things unfold without attempting to control them and make them fit the mental images you constantly create, you'll be able to focus your time and energy on skillful actions and reactions to what is happening around you.
• Being uncomfortable is ok - people don't always do what you want them to do. Situations don't always happen as you hope. Events don't always transpire like you think they should. You don't always win, you aren't always treated fair, you don't always get the things you desire, other people don't always do what you feel is right.

Can life be a struggle at times? Absolutely. But, if you are reading this right now, you've successfully survived 100% of your struggles so far.

Now, give yourself a break and stop the self-imposed suffering.

"I prefer 'X,' but if I don't get 'X' (or 'X' doesn't happen), my life will not end."

​What are you trying to "cope" with?

• Stress? 
• Anxiety? 
• Sleep problems?

​​Coping doesn't work - addressing the root cause does. We'll show you how.