Last updated October, 2019. Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, please consider supporting us by checking out our 15-day meditation challenge: "Your inner narrative". Here is a famous Taoist story that offers several valuable lessons: >>> There was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years, and one day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Maybe," the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "Maybe," replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses and was thrown, breaking his leg as a result. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Maybe," answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "Maybe," said the farmer. <<< One lesson: quite often, our initial reaction to a particular situation is wrong. Another lesson: how we view what happens often affects us more than the actual happening itself. And, another lesson: we should refrain from labeling. Most of us understand the first two lessons, but the third is usually dismissed because - over the course of our lives - we have developed the habit of labeling everything. Experiences are inherently neutral, but we label them as "positive/good" or "negative/bad." Then, we apply the conditioning we associate with those labels. And, this conditioning dictates our behavior (decisions, actions, reactions). This is how a single incident - something you see, something someone says to you, something you think about - can end up "ruining your day" (or week, or month, or life!). Labels aren't just relegated to "good or bad," nor do we only label experiences - we also label each other. Color, political affiliation, religious belief, nationality, favorite sports team: there is an endless supply of labels, and once we apply those labels it makes it easy to view other people as different from us. It makes it easy to dislike them because of all the thoughts and emotions we associate with the labels we applied to them. In essence, we cease viewing them as people and now view them as the label. They are terrorists. They are Republicans/Democrats. They are [insert label here]. Think about war: we aren't killing people, we are killing the label of "enemy." But, as the farmer in the Taoist story above illustrates, resisting the urge to label allows us to view people, places, and events from a more neutral perspective. We see things as they are, not as we make them because of our own bias. And, not from the perspective of an inner narrative that judges and clouds reality. By seeing things as they are, we can take more skillful actions, build stronger relationships, and be more compassionate and understanding. Life is full of peaks and valleys. But, you can minimize their effects by approaching experience from a more neutral perspective. In doing so, you keep yourself from getting stuck on a roller coaster fueled by your own judgment. The question is, how do you break the labeling habit? The answer is, you strengthen awareness of it through meditation and mindfulness. As noted earlier, we have developed the habit of labeling everything. By strengthening awareness, you can notice this habit throughout the day. Watch what happens after you become conscious of sensory input (a sight, a sound, a smell, a taste, a sensation, or even a thought). Your mind labels it, putting it into a category based on your personal history (background and culture). Labels are your mind's attempt to make sense of the world by putting experience into "this box" or "that box," whether it actually fits or not. As you become more skilled at noticing your mind doing this, you can stop the process from completing. You can interrupt it, and - as a result - stop the way labels dictate your behavior. Practice is key, however. You can't just flip a switch and reverse a habit that has developed over a lifetime. What do you get in return for your efforts? Happiness, peace, and contentment that aren't dependent on - or affected by - external factors. "Your inner narrative"How do I just “let things be”?
“Your thoughts about the situation cause you to suffer more than the situation itself” — what does that even mean? How do I get proper instruction in meditation and mindfulness? “Your inner narrative” — our 15 day meditation challenge — answers all these questions (click here to read about it). Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. That person pissed me off!We've all been in situations where someone or something made us angry. For example, someone cuts you off in traffic. What do you do? Reactions range from saying something under your breath, to yelling, honking, and making rude hand gestures. The issue is, how you react might affect your state of being for some time. You can probably recall a situation that caused you to become caught up in thoughts and emotions, leading to a reaction that subsequently dictated your mood for hours. Maybe it ended up ruining your entire day! When you reflect on it, you can ask yourself "Did I really have a bad day, or a few bad moments that I dwelled on for the entire day?" More often than not, it's the latter. But, figuring that out after the fact doesn't help a lot. Back to our example - someone cutting you off in traffic may result in the following:
Examples aren't relegated to road rage - daily life is full of them. Maybe a significant other, friend, or acquaintance said something that "rubbed you the wrong way." Or, perhaps someone was purposefully rude to you. Maybe you were treated unfairly by a co-worker or random stranger! We all encounter these situations on a regular basis. And, much to our own detriment, most of us let them affect our outlook on life more than (and, longer than) we should. We let them influence our communication with others, our decisions and actions, our productivity, and - ultimately - our happiness and well-being. The ironic thing is, the person who cut you off in traffic, was rude to you, or said something that offended you will usually go about THEIR day oblivious to the fact that they are controlling everything about YOUR day. Reacting vs. respondingReacting is when you let thoughts and emotions take over, and you get lost in the compulsive mental activity that ensues. This results in the common cliches:
It's the easy path, and there is always someone (or something) to blame for your behavior: "I acted that way because I was pissed about what happened to me earlier!" Responding, on the other hand, means we take action to address what can be addressed. Once we do this, we let go and move on. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, take appropriate action to ensure you're not going to have an accident. When you are sure you're safe, let go of the mental drama - let go of the stories your mind is churning out - and move on with your day. Don't carry around the burden of irritation and anger, because that burden only affects you - it does nothing to the person you are irritated or angry at. Think about this for a minute: you are mad at someone else, but you adopt a state of being (outlook, behavior, actions) that only affects you and makes your life (and the lives of those around you) more difficult. If you fully understand and internalize this, you realize it's insanity to continue functioning this way. An easy way to remember the distinction between reacting and responding is to think about your doctor prescribing medication to you:
Responding isn't the easiest path. To respond, you have to reverse a lifetime of conditioning that culminates in habitual actions and reactions. Alright - how do I do it then?How do you avoid getting lost in thoughts and emotions? How do you keep from dwelling on situations, and letting them affect you long after they happen? How do you just "let go" and move on? You do so by strengthening awareness of thoughts, emotions, and urges as they start to arise. This process is known as mindfulness - it comes from developing the skill of observing your mind and its activity without getting caught up in it. How do you develop this skill? Through the dedicated exercise of meditating. Together, mindfulness and meditation help you avoid the conditioned behavior you've historically been victim to. They allow you to create space between the situation, and thoughts and emotions about the situation. This space is what you need in order to respond appropriately (as opposed to reacting mindlessly). As Viktor Frankl said, Between the stimulus and the response there is a space, and in this space lies our power and freedom. It isn't a transformation that happens instantly - as mentioned above, you are reversing a lifetime of conditioning. And, it requires effort on your part. If you put forth that effort, however, the results can be life-changing. In addition to helping you respond instead of react, mindfulness and meditation address the struggles we all deal with every day:
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Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). Last updated October, 2019. Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, click here to learn about our 15-day meditation challenge, "Your inner narrative". Happiness is elusive. Or, it might be more accurate to say, consistent happiness is elusive. We stumble on it now and again, but life is a series of peaks and valleys - it seems any happiness we find is fleeting. Maybe we're looking to the wrong things? Most of us tend to think that changes to external circumstances will bring us internal happiness (and peace, and contentment). Getting a new job, a new partner, a new "toy" or gadget. Or, moving to a new location. That's what will finally do it! This thinking is reflected in the old adage represented above: "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." But, when you reach the other side of the fence, the grass seems to be greener somewhere else. Perhaps even back on the side you originally came from! By searching for happiness "out there" - in the next promotion or position, the next city or house, the next car, the latest smartphone, the next relationship - you may find some satisfaction, but it never lasts:
And, when the satisfaction disappears, you go back to searching for the next thing to make you happy. It's a vicious cycle which only serves to prove if your happiness depends on something external happening, you will never achieve it. This bears repeating: If your happiness depends on something external happening, you will never achieve it. Why? Because there will always be something else external that needs to happen - it's a trap of the mind! Your happiness gets lost in "If only...":
But, external circumstances do not produce happiness, they merely trigger it. By strengthening awareness* of your mind and its activity, you come to see it runs you through a never-ending gauntlet of "If only" scenarios. You see how it constantly promises you that happiness is somewhere just over the horizon, and it will be yours once you achieve "this" or acquire "that." Awareness also teaches you that the trigger for happiness is something you can control internally. And, once you realize this, the "seeking trap" dies. Your happiness is no longer dependent on something from the shelf in a store (or something you order online), or the approval of another person. To the contrary, true happiness is cultivated from within, right here and now. This understanding brings another positive side effect: when external circumstances don't go the way you want, they no longer have the same effect on your internal happiness. Consider the ocean. The surface may be in turmoil due to storms and rough waves. But, deep down below the surface, it's calm and serene. As you strengthen awareness, the same applies to you - the turmoil on the surface (external circumstances) does not affect the conditions deep down (internal happiness). Your happiness is within your reach - you just have to quit putting other things between you and it. *How do you strengthen awareness? Through a consistent meditation practice. We have a free guide here. What's next?Common questions we're asked:
Our 15-day meditation challenge - "Your inner narrative" - answers these questions and more. Last updated October, 2018. note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required). Is your mind postponing happiness and keeping you out of the present moment? Are you looking to the future to solve all of your problems? Does this describe you: “I’ll be happy when 'this' or 'that' happens.” “This" or "that” can be an event: a promotion, a new job, a new house, a new car, a new toy. “This" or "that” can be a person: getting a new boss, gaining a new friend, finding a new lover. Or, getting rid of a current boss, friend, or lover! “This" or "that” might be when your favorite sports team wins the big game. Or when your political party of choice is in office. Or, the political party you dislike is out of office! It might be when the economy improves, the holidays arrive, the children go back to school, or summer vacation rolls around. Regardless of what “this" or "that” is, postponing your happiness until something happens in the future is a trap of the mind. The trap is, you will never find happiness because when the future arrives, there will always be something else you need to obtain or attain. It's a never-ending cycle that keeps you constantly chasing happiness. Your mind is never content with the present moment, so it perpetuates this trap. It compulsively projects you into the future, to a time it perceives will be better than now; you dream about this magical moment when everything is perfect and you can finally be happy. The mind also pulls you into the past to relive your mistakes and failures, and regret what you have (or haven’t) done; you often dwell on how unhappy you are and all the mind-made reasons why. As the mind pushes you into the future and pulls you into the past, it strategically keeps you out of the only time you can actually live: the present moment. But, you can become aware of what your mind is doing. You can become aware of the thoughts and emotions as they happen. Your goal isn't to stop them. Rather, through awareness, you learn not to get caught up in them. As a result, the mind-made fear, drama, and turmoil loses its grip on you. And, you learn to stop seeking happiness "in the future." Happiness starts right now. Don’t make it dependent on something else happening first, or you will never achieve it. Stop dealing with the symptoms.Stress, anxiety, self-confidence issues, the inability to stop bad habits, problems with sleep and focus, and on and on and on.
These and the other things we struggle with every day are only symptoms. The good news is, they all share the same root cause. The bad news is, if you don't address that root cause, the symptoms will keep coming back no matter what you do. That's why we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind." For almost 20 years, people have been using it to address the root cause of their daily struggles. Click here to view the contents and learn more. |