Last updated December, 2017. note: our free guide to mindfulness and meditation really is free - no email or registration required. The link is at the bottom of the page. It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Kevin writes: "I have a quick temper, and I find myself getting angry often. I meditate off and on - usually when I'm stressed - and I like what it does for me. But, I need to figure out how I can use it to get over my anger, especially at other people when I feel 'wronged'?" Anger comes into being because something is happening that we don't want to be happening. Or, because something isn't happening that we do want to be happening. Maybe it's a barking dog. Or, a scratch on your car. Or, a hole in your favorite shirt. To use your example, you perceive that someone has treated you badly. Perhaps someone was rude to you. Or, they made you feel threatened or attacked. Regardless, you feel "wronged" and you have a desire to make that feeling go away. This desire gives rise to thoughts and emotions that ultimately condition our behavior and dictate our actions. These actions might be to keep everything bottled up inside. This can have serious consequences, however. To return to your example, if you choose to suppress or bury anger, it can surface in other ways: stress, aches and pains, illness, unhealthy mental states. Or, you may project it towards others. We've all had situations where we are mad at one person (for instance, our boss or a co-worker), and take it out on another (for instance, our spouse or children). But many of us don't bottle it up. Instead, we decided to do something - and, that "something" will probably be pointed and confrontational. After all, you're attacking a perceived threat (or, defending against one). So, our actions might be to argue, blame, lash out, or become physically aggressive. No matter what we do, the process that leads to our actions unfolds quickly. The thoughts, emotions, urges, and other mental activity that arise in relation to the original situation tend to sweep us away, and - as a result - our behavior is usually automatic and instantaneous. In other words, our reactions are habitual and don't leave room for much skillful contemplation. We take the bait of our minds, and drop into the patterns of retreating or attacking. But, if we learn to strengthen awareness through meditating, we can slow this process down and learn to observe it without getting caught up in it. Instead of giving in to the urge to reply, attack, or defend (or quietly seethe), we can watch that urge as it comes into being, exists, and ceases. Is it uncomfortable? Sure, especially at first. But, the discomfort isn't permanent either. It, like all of our mental activity, arises and passes - provided we don't give it fuel to persist by indulging it. Meditating allows us to see the temporary nature of all phenomena directly. We can watch it all unfold in a controlled environment (i.e., sitting and practicing), and - as we get better at it - we can transfer this ability to a non-controlled environment (i.e., daily life). As we learn, first-hand, that we no longer have to get caught up in (be a victim to) mental activity, it becomes easier to apply that knowledge to challenging situations in the real world. And, our compulsive minds cease dictating who we are and what we do. The key to seeing benefits, however, is developing a consistent practice. It's not a "spot fix" you only do when you get stressed. Instead, you have to do it every day. It's like building a muscle through exercise - you can't just do it "now and then" and expect to see results. The good thing about meditation is that it's simple. The bad thing is, most people don't realize it. There are so many misconceptions, and meditating is often steeped in mysticism and complexity: chanting, sitting in funny positions, trying to stop thinking and/or trying to control your mind. But, it's none of that. What are you trying to "cope" with?
Coping doesn't work - addressing the root cause does. We'll show you how. < note - on our site last week, we published "Meditation explained in 60 seconds." Click the link for a simple explanation you can share with family and friends. Last updated July, 2019. Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, please consider supporting us by checking out our 15-day meditation challenge: "Your inner narrative". It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Cynthia writes: "I'm going through stressful times, and frankly I am finding it too hard to meditate. I can notice my thoughts when things are calm - but, when things are not calm, my ability to observe vanishes. At that point, if I force myself to meditate, I get more upset, more stressed, more angry than before. I've been trying for a few weeks now - any advice?" You said you can notice thoughts when things are calm but not when they are stressful. Let me rephrase that for you: you are saying you can meditate unless it's too hard to meditate! You aren't alone. It doesn't apply only to you, and it doesn't apply only to meditating. To the contrary, it's the case for most of us, and it's the case with most things in life! When conditions are good, it's easy to do the things we are supposed to do. When conditions aren't good, it's hard to do the things we are supposed to do:
It's important not to look at meditating as a "quick fix" or spot treatment: you can't just do it sporadically and expect meaningful benefits. You have to build a consistent practice and do it every day - whether things are going good or not. Especially if they're not! This consistency and repetition will improve your ability to observe your compulsive mind and its non-stop activity, and it will strengthen awareness so you can see everything as it unfolds. As a result, you learn not to get caught up in all of it. The more you do it (sit and practice), the more you will be able to carry that skill into stressful times and use it. Put another way: practice makes perfect. Though, technically, perfection isn't skillful to strive for - so, practice makes better. You also said meditating causes you to get more stressed, upset, and angry. Realize that meditating doesn't cause these thoughts, emotions, or mental states - it simply strengthens awareness of what is already there. So, by definition, you become more aware of your mind, your racing thoughts, and whatever they give rise to: stress, anxiety, depression, problems with focus, and so on. But, again, it's already there whether you meditate or not. While you can't run from it, you can ignore it - but that's not a healthy option. The thoughts and emotions will end up manifesting in different ways:
The good news is, meditating doesn't ignore it - it treats the root cause. When you practice, your job is to:
Moving your attention away is the critical part, and meditating helps you develop this skill. Through a consistent practice, you learn that none of the mental activity is permanent. Your mind will try to convince you that it is - but, you can directly experience that it isn't. You can learn to observe it all as it comes into being, exists, and ceases. Or, as we're fond of saying, you can watch it all pass the same as you watched it all come - just like clouds moving across the sky. The reward that comes from a consistent practice is you no longer get lost in the drama of your compulsive mind. And, as a result, you can live a happier, more peaceful life. "Your inner narrative"How do I just “let things be”?
“Your thoughts about the situation cause you to suffer more than the situation itself” — what does that even mean? How do I get proper instruction in meditation and mindfulness? “Your inner narrative” — our 15 day meditation challenge — answers all these questions (click here to read about it). This article was last updated October, 2018. note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required). Here is this weeks installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Renee writes: "I want to be able to eliminate my bad, destructive thoughts. Is there a certain type of meditation I should practice to help me do this?" This is a variation of the most common misconception that exists when it comes to meditating: that you are supposed to stop thinking. Meditation is not about
If you try to do any of these things, you will meet with frustration and quickly give up the practice. And, to Renee's specific question, the "Ironic process theory" states that if you deliberately try to eliminate certain thoughts, you will actually think about them more. For example, try not to think about a pink elephant. Okay, including a picture of one at the top of this article makes the exercise more difficult. But, even without the picture, you would most likely be thinking about a pink elephant right now! Trying to suppress thoughts, trying to force yourself to think only positive thoughts, and trying to completely stop your mind from thinking are all fruitless ventures. The good news is, you don't need to do any of that! Thoughts are just thoughts. It isn't the content of your mind that matters, it's how you let it condition your behavior (decisions, actions, reactions). This is where meditating can help, provided you practice equanimity when you do it. Equanimity dictates you view all thoughts impartially, and don't label them "good," "bad," "positive," or "negative." Exercising a non-judgmental view is key to realizing the benefits of mindfulness and meditation - so, hold the intention to stop judging the contents of your mind! Thoughts are just thoughts. They come into being, exist, and cease - provided you don't build a story around them which perpetuates their existence and gives rise to more thoughts. And, provided you don't try to cling to "these" and push away "those." Your mind constantly attempts to do this, and labeling only makes it easier:
When you meditate, strive to notice your thoughts without prejudice. Strengthen your awareness, and see them for what they are: temporary phenomena that come and go, like clouds moving across the sky. Instead of getting caught up in them, you can choose to simply let them pass by (let them be as they are, independent of you and your attention). Thoughts are just thoughts. They hold power over you only if you let them. They hold power over you if you blindly follow them wherever they lead. Unfortunately, people generally go through life like this - they operate on autopilot, being pushed and pulled around by their minds. As a result, their daily existence is mired in what we refer to as "the struggles of life":
Mindfulness and meditation help you escape these struggles. As Guy Finley says, The only reason your mind won't stop its endless chattering is because you won't stop listening to it. Stop dealing with the symptoms.Stress, anxiety, self-confidence issues, the inability to stop bad habits, problems with sleep and focus, and on and on and on.
These and the other things we struggle with every day are only symptoms. The good news is, they all share the same root cause. The bad news is, if you don't address that root cause, the symptoms will keep coming back no matter what you do. That's why we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind." For almost 20 years, people have been using it to address the root cause of their daily struggles. Click here to view the contents and learn more. Last updated December, 2017. note: our free guide to mindfulness and meditation really is free - no email or registration required. The link is at the bottom of the page. Here is this weeks installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"
Brian writes: "I have always had issues with self-confidence. I can't stop myself from thinking I'm going to fail at what I'm doing (presentations, work, relationships) - no matter how hard I try, the negative thoughts always creep in. In the past, it has sometimes become paralyzing and actually hindered my ability to do anything at all. So, I end up failing as a result of my self-confidence issues! I am wondering if meditation can help me with that, and how? You also talk a lot about being in the 'present moment' - can that help with being more confident and if so, how?" We are fond of saying "You can't escape your mind." It shapes every experience you will ever have, including struggles with self-confidence. In last weeks Q&A, we used the analogy of treating the symptoms instead of the disease (or, as I prefer, the "root cause"). In the case of self-doubt, we try many things to treat the symptoms:
But, none of these things address the root cause - your mind. And, any results you achieve from doing them will be temporary at best. Don't get me wrong - you should strive to expose yourself to (and surround yourself with) positive rather than negative influences. All other things equal, that's the more skillful path. But, it won't solve the problems created by your mind. To deal with confidence issues, you need to strengthen awareness of that "voice in your head" and what it's telling you. You need to understand your compulsive mind and non-stop mental noise. This is exactly what a consistent meditation practice will help you do. Meditating helps you develop the skill of observing thoughts (and all your mind-made activity) as they arise. When you notice them, you have two choices:
If you make the first choice, you are identifying with thoughts. You either believe - or are battling - what your mind is telling you. Those thoughts give rise to emotions which then give rise to more thoughts and more emotions. They bury you in a landslide of mind-made activity that conditions your behavior and dictates your quality of life. If you make the second choice, however, you will see thoughts are temporary: they come and they go. You realize you don't have to follow them down the same old path that results in the same old outcome (for example, self-doubt and self-confidence issues). Your mind tries to convince you that thoughts, emotions, and urges are critical - that they'll never go away, and in many cases are a matter of "life or death." But, you no longer have to take the bait. It's as simple as saying: "There's that thought again - I see it, and I'm letting it be as it is (letting it pass, the same as it came)." It's simple, but it's not easy because you have to practice. You have to put in the time and effort to change the lifetime of conditioning that has led you to this point. A consistent meditation practice helps you strengthen awareness (cultivate mindfulness), which - when applied - will reduce self-doubt and self-confidence issues. It does this by showing you how to shed the delusions of your mind, and how to distance yourself from the mental drama you've been subjected to your entire life. The second part of your question asks about living in the present moment. If your attention is focused on the task at hand - what is happening right here and now - you will perform better at anything you do (washing the dishes, talking with a friend, presenting to an audience, et cetera). If you don't allow your mind to distract you by pulling your attention into the past, projecting it into the future, or creating a fantasy for you to indulge, you are fully dedicated to the present moment and it will be reflected in your efforts and results. Staying grounded in the present moment will also help you accept what happens, and not let it condition (shape, determine) the next moment - and, the moment after that. For instance, if you stumble over a line while making a speech, you learn to accept it and move past it. It has already happened, you can't change it, and you don't get caught up in the mental dialogue telling you that you "screwed up," and that you're doing a bad job. Which almost always leads to more "screwing up." Our minds will often take small stumbles and turn them into HUGE disasters. But, by being mindful, not following thoughts and emotions, and returning our attention to right here and now, we interrupt that process and keep it from unfolding. What are you trying to "cope" with?
Coping doesn't work - addressing the root cause does. We'll show you how. Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. We were considering a loftier title for this post - something like "Everything you always wanted to know about mindfulness and meditation." Or, "The ultimate guide to mindfulness and meditation." In "Wikipedia-esque" fashion, this post would cover it all:
But, Wikipedia actually does cover those things. It discusses the history, definitions, and different types of meditation, as well as postures, health benefits, and even pop-culture references! Do you want to know the difference between insight and concentration meditation? Wikipedia will tell you. In fact, when people contact us they are usually suffering from information overload. There is so much out there, they are confused, overwhelmed, and wondering where to start and what to focus on. Over the past 20 years, we have taught tens of thousands of people around the world how to better understand their minds. And, more important, how to stop the suffering their minds cause. In the first three months of this year alone (editor's note - this was 2014), almost 5,000 people read our free guide to mindfulness and meditation. There seems to be more interest now than ever before! The mainstream media has popularized mindfulness and meditation. TIME Magazine featured it on the cover of their February 2014 issue, and this year's Super Bowl winner (again, this was 2014) - the Seattle Seahawks - claimed meditation played a part in their victory. The publicity has people interested, but they have trouble finding a straight-forward explanation. This post is meant to provide that. It is not a "how to guide" - we've written one of those, and you can read it for free (link at the bottom of this page). This post is the "why" and "what" in a simple, concise manner. >>> "If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough." - Albert Einstein "Your mind is compulsive and incessant: it's always going. If your attention is lost in it, you'll suffer as a result. Meditation is bringing your attention back to the present moment." - meditationSHIFT <<< HAVE YOU MET YOUR MIND? There is a voice inside your head. I’m sure you've noticed it. It tells you stories - some positive and some negative. If you're like the rest of us, probably more negative than positive. That voice is your mind, and your mind is compulsive. It's always going, and it creates thoughts, emotions, urges, and stories that you get caught up in. This "mental noise" comes and goes seemingly at random, and your mind bounces around from subject to subject like a puppy exploring a new house. In any given minute, you might think about bills you have to pay, a project for work or school, errands you need to run, that article you read earlier, the health of a family member, the person who was rude to you yesterday...you might have fear or anxiety over some pending event...you might remember a friend from grade school, or dwell on how your boss is a jerk. Observing the mind's compulsive, sporadic nature is entertaining, amazing, and frightening all at the same time! What's ironic is that for every thought you're actually aware of, there are A LOT more that you aren't aware of. Think of the air you breathe - you don't see it, but you are surrounded by it. Or an iceberg - what you see above the surface is just the tip; underneath there is much, much more. Thoughts are the same. This is an important point because the small amount of thoughts you're aware of is usually overwhelming. If those are overwhelming, what effect is the large amount you're not aware of having on you? People say things like:
Look at it like a pond of muddy water: there is a lot of stuff floating around, and it's hard to see very far because it's murky and dark. But, without a doubt, what you can see is only a small fraction of what's actually there. >>> "Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts "Don't try to control your mind or 'force' it to do something - just observe it. If you simply observe, things become clear." - meditationSHIFT <<< To summarize:
Mindfulness and meditation can help with these challenges. In the simplest of terms, practicing both will allow you to:
note - A lot of people are unaware of the problems created by their compulsive minds, and will deny it affects "who they are" and "what they do." Most people have to achieve a certain level of awareness before they even realize how lost in thought they usually are. But, there's an easy way to see it all for yourself: get a pen and paper, sit down in a comfortable chair, start a timer for 10 minutes, and write down every thought you have until the timer goes off. It's rare anyone makes it the entire 10 minutes. And, even though you're attempting to actively observe your mind, you'll still miss the majority of what it produces! MEDITATION - STRENGTHENING AWARENESS Meditation is often compared to exercising. The more you exercise, the stronger your muscles get. If we stay with this analogy and consider meditation the exercise, awareness is the muscle you are making stronger. When you meditate, you build up your awareness. You improve your ability to concentrate and observe. This allows you to develop the skill of seeing what your mind is doing without getting caught up in it. We have all noticed our thoughts before. You've probably asked yourself the following at some point:
Meditation builds on this by putting focused attention on your mind. You strengthen awareness, and develop an understanding of the process that occurs from thought to action/reaction. When you understand this process, you can interrupt it; it's no longer automatic. We all dwell on thoughts, and much of the time those thoughts are unskillful. For example:
A consistent meditation practice keeps you from indulging in this mental drama, and teaches you to move your attention away from it. You realize you don't have to believe what your mind tells you. There's even better news: through direct experience, you see that thoughts aren't permanent. They are like the weather - wait a while, and it will change. Thoughts will pass unless you give them fuel to persist. We do this by indulging them, making them "ours," or trying to suppress them. When they persist, they appear permanent - and, our minds are happy to help with this illusion by producing even more thoughts to get lost in. But, they aren't permanent. When you meditate, you are able to observe their temporary nature: you can watch them come into being, exist, and cease. And, instead of getting caught up in them, you learn to let them pass the same as you watched them arise (let them go the same as they came). note - we did not say meditation will help you "stop thinking." That's a common misconception. What's important is that you don't need to stop thinking. The fact that your mind is compulsive and the mental noise is constant and pervasive is NOT the problem. The problem is you identify with thoughts - you spend most of your day lost in them. Meditation solves that problem. HOW DOES MINDFULNESS FIT IN? Meditating is the exercise you do to strengthen awareness. Mindfulness is applying the skill you develop while meditating to your "non-meditating time." If you don't practice mindfulness, you won't realize the benefits of meditating. A good analogy that will help you understand how they work together comes from looking at the role of an athlete: If you are an athlete, you practice so you can perform well in the game. "Practice" is meditation. "Performing" is mindfulness. "The game" is daily life. We meditate so we can be mindful in our daily lives. The more you sit and practice (meditation), the more it carries through to your non-sitting and non-practicing time (mindfulness). The goal is for mindfulness to permeate all aspects of your life. Why is mindfulness important? It's best you discover that answer for yourself. You can do so by watching your mind for the rest of the day and answering these questions:
If you're like the rest of us, you will find that your mind keeps you anywhere but right here and now. Mindfulness, however, grounds you in the present moment. You spend less time regretting, worrying, and fearing. You spend less time stressed and anxious. Instead, you focus your attention on what's happening "now": walking, talking to a friend, working, eating, washing dishes, playing with your dog, et cetera. Whatever you are doing, you are present with it. And, the more time you spend in the present, the more you realize happiness, peace, and contentment isn't something you find "out there." To the contrary, it's here and now. But, it's usually buried under the drama your mind produces; mindfulness helps you uncover it. >>> "Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now. And that's a revelation for some people: to realize that your life is only ever now." - Eckhart Tolle "If your happiness lies on the other side of some future event, you will never find it. Happiness exists when you fully understand that the only time you can live your life is now." - meditationSHIFT <<< GETTING IT DONE Mindfulness and meditation have been shown to deliver numerous benefits. But, to realize those benefits, you need to develop a consistent practice. You need to have dedicated time to meditate – we recommend a minimum of 15 minutes twice daily. You can work your way up to that, but you need discipline, patience, and persistence to do it. That's where your overall view is important. If you look at this as just another chore, or a task to put on your "to-do list," you are setting yourself up for failure. Instead, view meditation as the path to mindfulness, and mindfulness in your daily life as the ultimate goal. In doing so, you will realize it's a way of being, not another appointment you need to schedule. <>
Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). And, if you're looking for our free guide, you can find it here. Last updated October, 2019. Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, please consider supporting us by checking out our 15-day meditation challenge: "Your inner narrative". Here is a famous Taoist story that offers several valuable lessons: >>> There was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years, and one day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Maybe," the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "Maybe," replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses and was thrown, breaking his leg as a result. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Maybe," answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "Maybe," said the farmer. <<< One lesson: quite often, our initial reaction to a particular situation is wrong. Another lesson: how we view what happens often affects us more than the actual happening itself. And, another lesson: we should refrain from labeling. Most of us understand the first two lessons, but the third is usually dismissed because - over the course of our lives - we have developed the habit of labeling everything. Experiences are inherently neutral, but we label them as "positive/good" or "negative/bad." Then, we apply the conditioning we associate with those labels. And, this conditioning dictates our behavior (decisions, actions, reactions). This is how a single incident - something you see, something someone says to you, something you think about - can end up "ruining your day" (or week, or month, or life!). Labels aren't just relegated to "good or bad," nor do we only label experiences - we also label each other. Color, political affiliation, religious belief, nationality, favorite sports team: there is an endless supply of labels, and once we apply those labels it makes it easy to view other people as different from us. It makes it easy to dislike them because of all the thoughts and emotions we associate with the labels we applied to them. In essence, we cease viewing them as people and now view them as the label. They are terrorists. They are Republicans/Democrats. They are [insert label here]. Think about war: we aren't killing people, we are killing the label of "enemy." But, as the farmer in the Taoist story above illustrates, resisting the urge to label allows us to view people, places, and events from a more neutral perspective. We see things as they are, not as we make them because of our own bias. And, not from the perspective of an inner narrative that judges and clouds reality. By seeing things as they are, we can take more skillful actions, build stronger relationships, and be more compassionate and understanding. Life is full of peaks and valleys. But, you can minimize their effects by approaching experience from a more neutral perspective. In doing so, you keep yourself from getting stuck on a roller coaster fueled by your own judgment. The question is, how do you break the labeling habit? The answer is, you strengthen awareness of it through meditation and mindfulness. As noted earlier, we have developed the habit of labeling everything. By strengthening awareness, you can notice this habit throughout the day. Watch what happens after you become conscious of sensory input (a sight, a sound, a smell, a taste, a sensation, or even a thought). Your mind labels it, putting it into a category based on your personal history (background and culture). Labels are your mind's attempt to make sense of the world by putting experience into "this box" or "that box," whether it actually fits or not. As you become more skilled at noticing your mind doing this, you can stop the process from completing. You can interrupt it, and - as a result - stop the way labels dictate your behavior. Practice is key, however. You can't just flip a switch and reverse a habit that has developed over a lifetime. What do you get in return for your efforts? Happiness, peace, and contentment that aren't dependent on - or affected by - external factors. "Your inner narrative"How do I just “let things be”?
“Your thoughts about the situation cause you to suffer more than the situation itself” — what does that even mean? How do I get proper instruction in meditation and mindfulness? “Your inner narrative” — our 15 day meditation challenge — answers all these questions (click here to read about it). Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. That person pissed me off!We've all been in situations where someone or something made us angry. For example, someone cuts you off in traffic. What do you do? Reactions range from saying something under your breath, to yelling, honking, and making rude hand gestures. The issue is, how you react might affect your state of being for some time. You can probably recall a situation that caused you to become caught up in thoughts and emotions, leading to a reaction that subsequently dictated your mood for hours. Maybe it ended up ruining your entire day! When you reflect on it, you can ask yourself "Did I really have a bad day, or a few bad moments that I dwelled on for the entire day?" More often than not, it's the latter. But, figuring that out after the fact doesn't help a lot. Back to our example - someone cutting you off in traffic may result in the following:
Examples aren't relegated to road rage - daily life is full of them. Maybe a significant other, friend, or acquaintance said something that "rubbed you the wrong way." Or, perhaps someone was purposefully rude to you. Maybe you were treated unfairly by a co-worker or random stranger! We all encounter these situations on a regular basis. And, much to our own detriment, most of us let them affect our outlook on life more than (and, longer than) we should. We let them influence our communication with others, our decisions and actions, our productivity, and - ultimately - our happiness and well-being. The ironic thing is, the person who cut you off in traffic, was rude to you, or said something that offended you will usually go about THEIR day oblivious to the fact that they are controlling everything about YOUR day. Reacting vs. respondingReacting is when you let thoughts and emotions take over, and you get lost in the compulsive mental activity that ensues. This results in the common cliches:
It's the easy path, and there is always someone (or something) to blame for your behavior: "I acted that way because I was pissed about what happened to me earlier!" Responding, on the other hand, means we take action to address what can be addressed. Once we do this, we let go and move on. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, take appropriate action to ensure you're not going to have an accident. When you are sure you're safe, let go of the mental drama - let go of the stories your mind is churning out - and move on with your day. Don't carry around the burden of irritation and anger, because that burden only affects you - it does nothing to the person you are irritated or angry at. Think about this for a minute: you are mad at someone else, but you adopt a state of being (outlook, behavior, actions) that only affects you and makes your life (and the lives of those around you) more difficult. If you fully understand and internalize this, you realize it's insanity to continue functioning this way. An easy way to remember the distinction between reacting and responding is to think about your doctor prescribing medication to you:
Responding isn't the easiest path. To respond, you have to reverse a lifetime of conditioning that culminates in habitual actions and reactions. Alright - how do I do it then?How do you avoid getting lost in thoughts and emotions? How do you keep from dwelling on situations, and letting them affect you long after they happen? How do you just "let go" and move on? You do so by strengthening awareness of thoughts, emotions, and urges as they start to arise. This process is known as mindfulness - it comes from developing the skill of observing your mind and its activity without getting caught up in it. How do you develop this skill? Through the dedicated exercise of meditating. Together, mindfulness and meditation help you avoid the conditioned behavior you've historically been victim to. They allow you to create space between the situation, and thoughts and emotions about the situation. This space is what you need in order to respond appropriately (as opposed to reacting mindlessly). As Viktor Frankl said, Between the stimulus and the response there is a space, and in this space lies our power and freedom. It isn't a transformation that happens instantly - as mentioned above, you are reversing a lifetime of conditioning. And, it requires effort on your part. If you put forth that effort, however, the results can be life-changing. In addition to helping you respond instead of react, mindfulness and meditation address the struggles we all deal with every day:
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Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). Last updated October, 2019. Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, click here to learn about our 15-day meditation challenge, "Your inner narrative". Happiness is elusive. Or, it might be more accurate to say, consistent happiness is elusive. We stumble on it now and again, but life is a series of peaks and valleys - it seems any happiness we find is fleeting. Maybe we're looking to the wrong things? Most of us tend to think that changes to external circumstances will bring us internal happiness (and peace, and contentment). Getting a new job, a new partner, a new "toy" or gadget. Or, moving to a new location. That's what will finally do it! This thinking is reflected in the old adage represented above: "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." But, when you reach the other side of the fence, the grass seems to be greener somewhere else. Perhaps even back on the side you originally came from! By searching for happiness "out there" - in the next promotion or position, the next city or house, the next car, the latest smartphone, the next relationship - you may find some satisfaction, but it never lasts:
And, when the satisfaction disappears, you go back to searching for the next thing to make you happy. It's a vicious cycle which only serves to prove if your happiness depends on something external happening, you will never achieve it. This bears repeating: If your happiness depends on something external happening, you will never achieve it. Why? Because there will always be something else external that needs to happen - it's a trap of the mind! Your happiness gets lost in "If only...":
But, external circumstances do not produce happiness, they merely trigger it. By strengthening awareness* of your mind and its activity, you come to see it runs you through a never-ending gauntlet of "If only" scenarios. You see how it constantly promises you that happiness is somewhere just over the horizon, and it will be yours once you achieve "this" or acquire "that." Awareness also teaches you that the trigger for happiness is something you can control internally. And, once you realize this, the "seeking trap" dies. Your happiness is no longer dependent on something from the shelf in a store (or something you order online), or the approval of another person. To the contrary, true happiness is cultivated from within, right here and now. This understanding brings another positive side effect: when external circumstances don't go the way you want, they no longer have the same effect on your internal happiness. Consider the ocean. The surface may be in turmoil due to storms and rough waves. But, deep down below the surface, it's calm and serene. As you strengthen awareness, the same applies to you - the turmoil on the surface (external circumstances) does not affect the conditions deep down (internal happiness). Your happiness is within your reach - you just have to quit putting other things between you and it. *How do you strengthen awareness? Through a consistent meditation practice. We have a free guide here. What's next?Common questions we're asked:
Our 15-day meditation challenge - "Your inner narrative" - answers these questions and more. |