This article was last updated October, 2018. note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required). Here is this weeks installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Renee writes: "I want to be able to eliminate my bad, destructive thoughts. Is there a certain type of meditation I should practice to help me do this?" This is a variation of the most common misconception that exists when it comes to meditating: that you are supposed to stop thinking. Meditation is not about
If you try to do any of these things, you will meet with frustration and quickly give up the practice. And, to Renee's specific question, the "Ironic process theory" states that if you deliberately try to eliminate certain thoughts, you will actually think about them more. For example, try not to think about a pink elephant. Okay, including a picture of one at the top of this article makes the exercise more difficult. But, even without the picture, you would most likely be thinking about a pink elephant right now! Trying to suppress thoughts, trying to force yourself to think only positive thoughts, and trying to completely stop your mind from thinking are all fruitless ventures. The good news is, you don't need to do any of that! Thoughts are just thoughts. It isn't the content of your mind that matters, it's how you let it condition your behavior (decisions, actions, reactions). This is where meditating can help, provided you practice equanimity when you do it. Equanimity dictates you view all thoughts impartially, and don't label them "good," "bad," "positive," or "negative." Exercising a non-judgmental view is key to realizing the benefits of mindfulness and meditation - so, hold the intention to stop judging the contents of your mind! Thoughts are just thoughts. They come into being, exist, and cease - provided you don't build a story around them which perpetuates their existence and gives rise to more thoughts. And, provided you don't try to cling to "these" and push away "those." Your mind constantly attempts to do this, and labeling only makes it easier:
When you meditate, strive to notice your thoughts without prejudice. Strengthen your awareness, and see them for what they are: temporary phenomena that come and go, like clouds moving across the sky. Instead of getting caught up in them, you can choose to simply let them pass by (let them be as they are, independent of you and your attention). Thoughts are just thoughts. They hold power over you only if you let them. They hold power over you if you blindly follow them wherever they lead. Unfortunately, people generally go through life like this - they operate on autopilot, being pushed and pulled around by their minds. As a result, their daily existence is mired in what we refer to as "the struggles of life":
Mindfulness and meditation help you escape these struggles. As Guy Finley says, The only reason your mind won't stop its endless chattering is because you won't stop listening to it. Stop dealing with the symptoms.Stress, anxiety, self-confidence issues, the inability to stop bad habits, problems with sleep and focus, and on and on and on.
These and the other things we struggle with every day are only symptoms. The good news is, they all share the same root cause. The bad news is, if you don't address that root cause, the symptoms will keep coming back no matter what you do. That's why we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind." For almost 20 years, people have been using it to address the root cause of their daily struggles. Click here to view the contents and learn more. Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. Here is this weeks installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Julie writes: "As I understand it, meditation teaches you to not get attached to things. Is that healthy? I don't want to end up as someone who is unattached and unfeeling towards my friends and family." NON-ATTACHMENT VS. DETACHMENT The question above highlights a common misconception. Most of us don't understand "non-attachment," and mistakenly think of it as Julie described - uncaring and unfeeling. They equate it with a cold, callous attitude, and an inability to love and appreciate other people and things. This better describes "detachment," however. Detachment is a defense mechanism that people employ to keep from feeling emotions. Non-attachment, on the other hand, means acknowledging and accepting what arises (feelings, thoughts, emotions, urges, etc.) without getting caught up in any of it. It means not indulging thoughts and emotions, because indulging only serves to perpetuate them. It means not following your mind down a path that culminates in conditioned behavior, and habitual actions and reactions. This is what we strive for in meditation. Equally as important, non-attachment means you don't try to make something temporary into something permanent. EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE Impermanence is a fundamental truth whether we choose to accept it or not: nothing lasts unchanging over time. If you "attach" or cling to something that is temporary, you will suffer when it changes. This applies to anything in your life - people, places, things, experiences, situations, relationships, et cetera. A full understanding and acceptance of the transient nature of reality will lead you to a deeper appreciation for everything. You can be in relationships, you can enjoy things and experiences, you can love and be loved - but, now you do it with the realization that nothing is permanent. As such, you cultivate the ability to be more present with the things that are meaningful to you. There is a story from the book "Thoughts Without A Thinker" that illustrates this understanding: "You see this goblet?" asks Achaan Chaah, the Thai meditation master. "For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious." Put simply, knowing that everything will change makes each moment you spend with it more precious. And, that is the opposite of unfeeling and uncaring. <>
Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). Last updated December, 2017. note: our free guide to mindfulness and meditation really is free - no email or registration required. The link is at the bottom of the page. Here is this weeks installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"
Brian writes: "I have always had issues with self-confidence. I can't stop myself from thinking I'm going to fail at what I'm doing (presentations, work, relationships) - no matter how hard I try, the negative thoughts always creep in. In the past, it has sometimes become paralyzing and actually hindered my ability to do anything at all. So, I end up failing as a result of my self-confidence issues! I am wondering if meditation can help me with that, and how? You also talk a lot about being in the 'present moment' - can that help with being more confident and if so, how?" We are fond of saying "You can't escape your mind." It shapes every experience you will ever have, including struggles with self-confidence. In last weeks Q&A, we used the analogy of treating the symptoms instead of the disease (or, as I prefer, the "root cause"). In the case of self-doubt, we try many things to treat the symptoms:
But, none of these things address the root cause - your mind. And, any results you achieve from doing them will be temporary at best. Don't get me wrong - you should strive to expose yourself to (and surround yourself with) positive rather than negative influences. All other things equal, that's the more skillful path. But, it won't solve the problems created by your mind. To deal with confidence issues, you need to strengthen awareness of that "voice in your head" and what it's telling you. You need to understand your compulsive mind and non-stop mental noise. This is exactly what a consistent meditation practice will help you do. Meditating helps you develop the skill of observing thoughts (and all your mind-made activity) as they arise. When you notice them, you have two choices:
If you make the first choice, you are identifying with thoughts. You either believe - or are battling - what your mind is telling you. Those thoughts give rise to emotions which then give rise to more thoughts and more emotions. They bury you in a landslide of mind-made activity that conditions your behavior and dictates your quality of life. If you make the second choice, however, you will see thoughts are temporary: they come and they go. You realize you don't have to follow them down the same old path that results in the same old outcome (for example, self-doubt and self-confidence issues). Your mind tries to convince you that thoughts, emotions, and urges are critical - that they'll never go away, and in many cases are a matter of "life or death." But, you no longer have to take the bait. It's as simple as saying: "There's that thought again - I see it, and I'm letting it be as it is (letting it pass, the same as it came)." It's simple, but it's not easy because you have to practice. You have to put in the time and effort to change the lifetime of conditioning that has led you to this point. A consistent meditation practice helps you strengthen awareness (cultivate mindfulness), which - when applied - will reduce self-doubt and self-confidence issues. It does this by showing you how to shed the delusions of your mind, and how to distance yourself from the mental drama you've been subjected to your entire life. The second part of your question asks about living in the present moment. If your attention is focused on the task at hand - what is happening right here and now - you will perform better at anything you do (washing the dishes, talking with a friend, presenting to an audience, et cetera). If you don't allow your mind to distract you by pulling your attention into the past, projecting it into the future, or creating a fantasy for you to indulge, you are fully dedicated to the present moment and it will be reflected in your efforts and results. Staying grounded in the present moment will also help you accept what happens, and not let it condition (shape, determine) the next moment - and, the moment after that. For instance, if you stumble over a line while making a speech, you learn to accept it and move past it. It has already happened, you can't change it, and you don't get caught up in the mental dialogue telling you that you "screwed up," and that you're doing a bad job. Which almost always leads to more "screwing up." Our minds will often take small stumbles and turn them into HUGE disasters. But, by being mindful, not following thoughts and emotions, and returning our attention to right here and now, we interrupt that process and keep it from unfolding. What are you trying to "cope" with?
Coping doesn't work - addressing the root cause does. We'll show you how. Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. We made a short post on Facebook that received a lot of attention, and we thought it was worth sharing here. -- In good-humored fashion, today has become known as Star Wars day, with people telling one another "May the Fourth be with you." Staying with this theme, have you considered "the Force" is a symbolic representation of mindfulness? Yoda is practically a meditation master, urging present moment awareness in lines like this: "This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away...to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A Jedi craves not these things." In addition to living in the now, Yoda mentions craving. When you meditate, you see first-hand that we have an insatiable craving for things to be different than they are. Our minds habitually react with desire for what we like or want, and aversion towards what we dislike or don't want. And, the present moment becomes a stepping stone because it's never good enough: something usually needs to be different, changed, or fixed in order for us to be happy and content (according to our minds). Through meditation, you also learn to observe everything associated with craving, including the thoughts, emotions, and urges that arise in consciousness. You see it all for what it is - temporary phenomena, dependent on causes and conditions. It comes into being, exists, and ceases, and you don't have to cling to any of it. You don't have to continuously grasp after what the mind labels "pleasant," and push away what the mind labels "unpleasant." You don't have to indulge any of it, or follow it down a path that results in conditioned behavior. Yoda isn't the only character preaching mindfulness. In Episode 1, Qui-Gon Jinn tells Obi-Wan Kenobi: "Don't center on your anxiety...keep your concentration here and now where it belongs." Training the mind, and the consequences of letting your thoughts, emotions, and urges rule you, underlies everything in the Star Wars universe - from the first time we meet Luke, to Anakin Skywalker becoming Darth Vader (yes, I start with Episode 4 and end with Episode 3!). One of Yoda's most famous lines (see the video at the top of this post), maps out the process from thoughts to suffering. This is something we discuss in multiple articles on this blog (index here). So, take it from the Jedi Masters, and learn to observe your compulsive mind and its non-stop activity. As we're fond of saying: "You are not your thoughts, and you don't have to let them push and pull you through your day." And, as we're also fond of saying: "There's what's happening, and there are the stories your mind tells you about what's happening - the two rarely match." When you learn to see this directly and consistently, you are able to bring an end to much of your suffering. <>
Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). |