Last updated October, 2018. note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required). It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Today's question: "I work in a very stressful environment, and I have a challenging situation in my family life that causes a lot of frustration and anxiety. I feel that my stress (and frustration/anxiety) isn't 'everyday' stress, it's constant because of my job and family. As such, I don't know that meditation would really help me. I think I need to remove myself from these environments first, otherwise it will just keep coming. What is your advice in matters like this?" We tend to blame our struggles - in your case, stress, frustration, and anxiety - on external circumstances:
Changing these external circumstances might provide temporary relief, but the stress, frustration, and anxiety will always come back. What does this tell you? It should tell you that external circumstances aren't actually responsible for stress, frustration, and anxiety. That's great news because if they were, we'd never be able to find relief! The fact is, there will always be external circumstances to blame for our struggles - life provides an endless supply, whether it's other people, objects and things, or situations we find ourselves in. These external circumstances are the background of our existence, but they are also interchangeable. If you "fix" one that you perceive causes you suffering, it will be replaced by another in short order. The path to liberation begins with realizing that everything "out there" is constantly changing. What we find joy in one day causes us sorrow another day, and vice versa. The things we find pleasant don't last forever, and we suffer when we cling to how they "were" instead of accepting how they are. The things we find unpleasant don't last forever, either - but we constantly try to avoid or escape them, or bury them under distractions that ultimately bring more suffering our way. We spend most of our lives trying to control the world around us. We attempt to surround ourselves with what we like, and shield ourselves from what we don't like. These efforts, ironically, ensure we'll always be at the mercy of the world around us. As such, we live in extremes, going from "high" to "low" and "low" to "high" as if we are riding a roller coaster. Happy, sad, up, down. Continuously buffeted by thoughts and emotions. And, we'll always be stuck on this roller coaster unless we learn to address the root cause. The good news is, the root cause is actually easier to deal with than all the external circumstances. Instead of having thousands of things you are always trying to control and fix, you only have one thing to focus your efforts on. This one thing is your compulsive mind and your relationship with it. Our usual relationship with our minds is that we are continuously lost in them and the non-stop activity they produce. They push and pull us through our day, and our attention is held hostage by a never-ending stream of thoughts, emotions, and urges. All of this conditions our behavior, and dictates our actions and reactions. Being lost in thoughts and emotions is our normal state. And, because it's our normal state, we don't even realize it. It's like a fish not realizing it's surrounded by water, because it's always surrounded by water. This root cause drives us to continuously chase after pleasure and run away from pain. It chains us to the roller coaster fueled by external circumstances that we are always trying to change, control, or fix. How do we address it? We address the root cause by strengthening awareness. What you become aware of, you are no longer victim to. And, through awareness, you can learn not to be caught up in (not to be swept away by) your compulsive mind. How do you strengthen awareness? You strengthen awareness through meditation and mindfulness. Meditating is a formal exercise, and doing it consistently will allow you to see how profoundly distracted you tend to be. More important, it teaches you how to correct this problem through the quality of mindfulness it cultivates. Mindfulness helps you train your attention to focus on what you want it to focus on. And, it helps you develop the ability to observe your mind and its activity without getting caught up in it (without getting swept away by it). This brings us full circle to your question, which is essentially "Why should I try to meditate when I have all these external circumstances in my life that I perceive to cause my problems, struggles, and suffering?" My answer is, because meditating will show you that those problems, struggles, and suffering aren't caused by external circumstances. And, trying to find lasting happiness by controlling and fixing everything "out there" will only keep you on the roller coaster, lurching from one extreme to the next. Meditating and mindfulness help you get off the roller coaster and find a deeper state of contentment that isn't affected by everything that happens "out there." note - another way to re-frame the above discussion is to use the analogy of "treating the symptoms, not the disease." External circumstances are the symptoms, your compulsive mind (and non-stop mental activity) is the disease. You can treat the symptoms (i.e., change your external circumstances), but it won't cure the disease. Stop dealing with the symptoms.Stress, anxiety, self-confidence issues, the inability to stop bad habits, problems with sleep and focus, and on and on and on.
These and the other things we struggle with every day are only symptoms. The good news is, they all share the same root cause. The bad news is, if you don't address that root cause, the symptoms will keep coming back no matter what you do. That's why we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind." For almost 20 years, people have been using it to address the root cause of their daily struggles. Click here to view the contents and learn more. Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. You are not unique. But, ironically, all of us think we are! We previously wrote an article titled Misconceptions about meditating ('I'm supposed to stop thinking!') It explored two common fallacies we repeatedly hear:
It's critical to correct these misconceptions, otherwise people get frustrated and give up. In recent months we are seeing another misconception, and it's being used as an excuse to not try at all: "MY mind is too busy to meditate!" This brings us back to the fact that you are not unique. Every week we get messages or talk to people who think they are the only person who has a mind that is always going. They like to talk about the chatter in their head, and how it's non-stop. And how their thoughts just keep coming. They believe their mind is busier than everyone else's mind, and don't entertain the possibility that we all suffer from the same affliction. But, we do! As Eckhart Tolle says, The human condition is lost in thought. When we are young, our parents tell us we are unique. They have the best intentions, but - unfortunately - this guidance leads to feelings of isolation. If you are unique and different from others, you tend to develop the mistaken (and divisive) view of "me against the world." You foster a mindset that the things you go through are unlike the things everyone else goes through. The fact is, we aren't that different. We all share a common set of challenges*. And, one of the most prominent challenges is a mind that is extremely busy! Ironically, the excuse that so many people use as to why they can't meditate is exactly why they should! As we've discussed in previous articles, the point of meditation is to become aware of your compulsive mind and its non-stop activity. By strengthening awareness, we learn to notice it all without getting caught up in it (without getting swept away by it). We see the temporary nature of everything that arises: thoughts, emotions, urges, mental states - it all comes into being, exists for a time, and passes...provided we don't cling to it and turn it into "our story." This is the first step on the path to liberation. Our challenge to you is this: dedicate 10 minutes this weekend to observing your mind. Take 5 minutes on Saturday and 5 minutes on Sunday, sit in a chair with your back straight, and focus your attention on your breath as it enters and exits your nostrils (or, your stomach as it rises and falls). When you notice your attention has wandered and you're aware of thoughts, simply return it to your breath. Every time you do this, you are strengthening awareness! Most important, you're training yourself to stop blindly following your mind wherever it leads. Be warned - your attention will wander a lot. But, don't get frustrated. As long as you notice it has wandered and return it to your breath, you are doing it right! Notice and return. Notice and return. Notice and return. You can spare 10 minutes this weekend, can't you? If you do this Saturday and Sunday, you can also do it Monday and Tuesday. And you can eventually do it twice a day instead of once a day. And, you can eventually do it for 10 minutes each session instead of 5 minutes each session. This is how you build a habit - one step at a time. You just have to start. What do you get in return for your efforts? Mental states such as stress, worry, anxiety, depression, fear, and regret begin to lose their hold on you. The "struggles of life" don't affect you as much as they once did. And, a more content state of being comes to you easier...and, stays with you longer. You might even find it's been there all along, but was covered up by the mental drama and stories playing on a loop in your head! *reflecting on this realization - that we all share a common set of challenges - will also help you cultivate compassion for yourself and others. <>
Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. We were considering a loftier title for this post - something like "Everything you always wanted to know about mindfulness and meditation." Or, "The ultimate guide to mindfulness and meditation." In "Wikipedia-esque" fashion, this post would cover it all:
But, Wikipedia actually does cover those things. It discusses the history, definitions, and different types of meditation, as well as postures, health benefits, and even pop-culture references! Do you want to know the difference between insight and concentration meditation? Wikipedia will tell you. In fact, when people contact us they are usually suffering from information overload. There is so much out there, they are confused, overwhelmed, and wondering where to start and what to focus on. Over the past 20 years, we have taught tens of thousands of people around the world how to better understand their minds. And, more important, how to stop the suffering their minds cause. In the first three months of this year alone (editor's note - this was 2014), almost 5,000 people read our free guide to mindfulness and meditation. There seems to be more interest now than ever before! The mainstream media has popularized mindfulness and meditation. TIME Magazine featured it on the cover of their February 2014 issue, and this year's Super Bowl winner (again, this was 2014) - the Seattle Seahawks - claimed meditation played a part in their victory. The publicity has people interested, but they have trouble finding a straight-forward explanation. This post is meant to provide that. It is not a "how to guide" - we've written one of those, and you can read it for free (link at the bottom of this page). This post is the "why" and "what" in a simple, concise manner. >>> "If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough." - Albert Einstein "Your mind is compulsive and incessant: it's always going. If your attention is lost in it, you'll suffer as a result. Meditation is bringing your attention back to the present moment." - meditationSHIFT <<< HAVE YOU MET YOUR MIND? There is a voice inside your head. I’m sure you've noticed it. It tells you stories - some positive and some negative. If you're like the rest of us, probably more negative than positive. That voice is your mind, and your mind is compulsive. It's always going, and it creates thoughts, emotions, urges, and stories that you get caught up in. This "mental noise" comes and goes seemingly at random, and your mind bounces around from subject to subject like a puppy exploring a new house. In any given minute, you might think about bills you have to pay, a project for work or school, errands you need to run, that article you read earlier, the health of a family member, the person who was rude to you yesterday...you might have fear or anxiety over some pending event...you might remember a friend from grade school, or dwell on how your boss is a jerk. Observing the mind's compulsive, sporadic nature is entertaining, amazing, and frightening all at the same time! What's ironic is that for every thought you're actually aware of, there are A LOT more that you aren't aware of. Think of the air you breathe - you don't see it, but you are surrounded by it. Or an iceberg - what you see above the surface is just the tip; underneath there is much, much more. Thoughts are the same. This is an important point because the small amount of thoughts you're aware of is usually overwhelming. If those are overwhelming, what effect is the large amount you're not aware of having on you? People say things like:
Look at it like a pond of muddy water: there is a lot of stuff floating around, and it's hard to see very far because it's murky and dark. But, without a doubt, what you can see is only a small fraction of what's actually there. >>> "Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone." - Alan Watts "Don't try to control your mind or 'force' it to do something - just observe it. If you simply observe, things become clear." - meditationSHIFT <<< To summarize:
Mindfulness and meditation can help with these challenges. In the simplest of terms, practicing both will allow you to:
note - A lot of people are unaware of the problems created by their compulsive minds, and will deny it affects "who they are" and "what they do." Most people have to achieve a certain level of awareness before they even realize how lost in thought they usually are. But, there's an easy way to see it all for yourself: get a pen and paper, sit down in a comfortable chair, start a timer for 10 minutes, and write down every thought you have until the timer goes off. It's rare anyone makes it the entire 10 minutes. And, even though you're attempting to actively observe your mind, you'll still miss the majority of what it produces! MEDITATION - STRENGTHENING AWARENESS Meditation is often compared to exercising. The more you exercise, the stronger your muscles get. If we stay with this analogy and consider meditation the exercise, awareness is the muscle you are making stronger. When you meditate, you build up your awareness. You improve your ability to concentrate and observe. This allows you to develop the skill of seeing what your mind is doing without getting caught up in it. We have all noticed our thoughts before. You've probably asked yourself the following at some point:
Meditation builds on this by putting focused attention on your mind. You strengthen awareness, and develop an understanding of the process that occurs from thought to action/reaction. When you understand this process, you can interrupt it; it's no longer automatic. We all dwell on thoughts, and much of the time those thoughts are unskillful. For example:
A consistent meditation practice keeps you from indulging in this mental drama, and teaches you to move your attention away from it. You realize you don't have to believe what your mind tells you. There's even better news: through direct experience, you see that thoughts aren't permanent. They are like the weather - wait a while, and it will change. Thoughts will pass unless you give them fuel to persist. We do this by indulging them, making them "ours," or trying to suppress them. When they persist, they appear permanent - and, our minds are happy to help with this illusion by producing even more thoughts to get lost in. But, they aren't permanent. When you meditate, you are able to observe their temporary nature: you can watch them come into being, exist, and cease. And, instead of getting caught up in them, you learn to let them pass the same as you watched them arise (let them go the same as they came). note - we did not say meditation will help you "stop thinking." That's a common misconception. What's important is that you don't need to stop thinking. The fact that your mind is compulsive and the mental noise is constant and pervasive is NOT the problem. The problem is you identify with thoughts - you spend most of your day lost in them. Meditation solves that problem. HOW DOES MINDFULNESS FIT IN? Meditating is the exercise you do to strengthen awareness. Mindfulness is applying the skill you develop while meditating to your "non-meditating time." If you don't practice mindfulness, you won't realize the benefits of meditating. A good analogy that will help you understand how they work together comes from looking at the role of an athlete: If you are an athlete, you practice so you can perform well in the game. "Practice" is meditation. "Performing" is mindfulness. "The game" is daily life. We meditate so we can be mindful in our daily lives. The more you sit and practice (meditation), the more it carries through to your non-sitting and non-practicing time (mindfulness). The goal is for mindfulness to permeate all aspects of your life. Why is mindfulness important? It's best you discover that answer for yourself. You can do so by watching your mind for the rest of the day and answering these questions:
If you're like the rest of us, you will find that your mind keeps you anywhere but right here and now. Mindfulness, however, grounds you in the present moment. You spend less time regretting, worrying, and fearing. You spend less time stressed and anxious. Instead, you focus your attention on what's happening "now": walking, talking to a friend, working, eating, washing dishes, playing with your dog, et cetera. Whatever you are doing, you are present with it. And, the more time you spend in the present, the more you realize happiness, peace, and contentment isn't something you find "out there." To the contrary, it's here and now. But, it's usually buried under the drama your mind produces; mindfulness helps you uncover it. >>> "Most humans are never fully present in the now, because unconsciously they believe that the next moment must be more important than this one. But then you miss your whole life, which is never not now. And that's a revelation for some people: to realize that your life is only ever now." - Eckhart Tolle "If your happiness lies on the other side of some future event, you will never find it. Happiness exists when you fully understand that the only time you can live your life is now." - meditationSHIFT <<< GETTING IT DONE Mindfulness and meditation have been shown to deliver numerous benefits. But, to realize those benefits, you need to develop a consistent practice. You need to have dedicated time to meditate – we recommend a minimum of 15 minutes twice daily. You can work your way up to that, but you need discipline, patience, and persistence to do it. That's where your overall view is important. If you look at this as just another chore, or a task to put on your "to-do list," you are setting yourself up for failure. Instead, view meditation as the path to mindfulness, and mindfulness in your daily life as the ultimate goal. In doing so, you will realize it's a way of being, not another appointment you need to schedule. <>
Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). And, if you're looking for our free guide, you can find it here. Do you follow us on Facebook? If not, please do! "Like" our page here, and you will receive short, sometimes funny, always insightful posts to help you through your day. Yesterday it was "The Dude" meditating, today it is this: We have all heard that "happiness is fleeting." Why is that a popular quote? We spend today thinking about tomorrow. We are either worried or hopeful. Worry causes stress, fear, and anxiety. Hope sounds nice but, in reality, you are looking to the future for happiness. If the future holds the promise of happiness, you will reach the end of your journey never realizing it. And, "happiness is fleeting" will be a quote that remains popular. Here is another quote we have all heard: "The present moment is the only time you can live." It's not just a feel-good platitude. If you fully understand it, you can break the cycle of spending today thinking about tomorrow. And, you can discover happiness now...a happiness that is not fleeting. < What are you trying to "cope" with?
Coping doesn't work - addressing the root cause does. We'll show you how. |