Last updated October, 2019. Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, please consider supporting us by checking out our 15-day meditation challenge: "Your inner narrative". Here is a famous Taoist story that offers several valuable lessons: >>> There was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years, and one day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically. "Maybe," the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. "How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed. "Maybe," replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses and was thrown, breaking his leg as a result. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. "Maybe," answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. "Maybe," said the farmer. <<< One lesson: quite often, our initial reaction to a particular situation is wrong. Another lesson: how we view what happens often affects us more than the actual happening itself. And, another lesson: we should refrain from labeling. Most of us understand the first two lessons, but the third is usually dismissed because - over the course of our lives - we have developed the habit of labeling everything. Experiences are inherently neutral, but we label them as "positive/good" or "negative/bad." Then, we apply the conditioning we associate with those labels. And, this conditioning dictates our behavior (decisions, actions, reactions). This is how a single incident - something you see, something someone says to you, something you think about - can end up "ruining your day" (or week, or month, or life!). Labels aren't just relegated to "good or bad," nor do we only label experiences - we also label each other. Color, political affiliation, religious belief, nationality, favorite sports team: there is an endless supply of labels, and once we apply those labels it makes it easy to view other people as different from us. It makes it easy to dislike them because of all the thoughts and emotions we associate with the labels we applied to them. In essence, we cease viewing them as people and now view them as the label. They are terrorists. They are Republicans/Democrats. They are [insert label here]. Think about war: we aren't killing people, we are killing the label of "enemy." But, as the farmer in the Taoist story above illustrates, resisting the urge to label allows us to view people, places, and events from a more neutral perspective. We see things as they are, not as we make them because of our own bias. And, not from the perspective of an inner narrative that judges and clouds reality. By seeing things as they are, we can take more skillful actions, build stronger relationships, and be more compassionate and understanding. Life is full of peaks and valleys. But, you can minimize their effects by approaching experience from a more neutral perspective. In doing so, you keep yourself from getting stuck on a roller coaster fueled by your own judgment. The question is, how do you break the labeling habit? The answer is, you strengthen awareness of it through meditation and mindfulness. As noted earlier, we have developed the habit of labeling everything. By strengthening awareness, you can notice this habit throughout the day. Watch what happens after you become conscious of sensory input (a sight, a sound, a smell, a taste, a sensation, or even a thought). Your mind labels it, putting it into a category based on your personal history (background and culture). Labels are your mind's attempt to make sense of the world by putting experience into "this box" or "that box," whether it actually fits or not. As you become more skilled at noticing your mind doing this, you can stop the process from completing. You can interrupt it, and - as a result - stop the way labels dictate your behavior. Practice is key, however. You can't just flip a switch and reverse a habit that has developed over a lifetime. What do you get in return for your efforts? Happiness, peace, and contentment that aren't dependent on - or affected by - external factors. "Your inner narrative"How do I just “let things be”?
“Your thoughts about the situation cause you to suffer more than the situation itself” — what does that even mean? How do I get proper instruction in meditation and mindfulness? “Your inner narrative” — our 15 day meditation challenge — answers all these questions (click here to read about it). Free guide to mindfulness and meditation This week, we made updates to our free guide. If you previously requested it, check your email for details (check your Spam folder if you don't see the email in your Inbox). If you have not read it, what are you waiting on? Request our free guide on mindfulness and meditation. (note - you no longer have to request it - just go read it) Social Media Aside from this blog, we are also on Pinterest, Twitter, and Facebook: Pinterest - over half a dozen boards so far. Check out "Quotes and Sayings" for some inspiration, or "Beautiful Places" and "Calm Spaces" for wonderful visuals. Or, just take a minute to look through all the boards. Twitter - in the past we have had limited activity, but now Twitter is updated daily (multiple times a day!). Follow us for bite-sized chunks of inspiration and information! Facebook - almost 2,000 friends. Unfortunately, Facebook doesn't show all posts to all friends, so if you want to be notified when we post, follow these directions. Blog Posts Below is a list of blog posts dating back to launch - November, 2013 through today's post (March 21, 2014). If you find any of them helpful, please click "Like" or "Tweet" at the bottom of the post (note - we now have an index of our writing).
Check back next week for something new (and, get updates when we publish a new blog post)! What are you trying to "cope" with?
Coping doesn't work - addressing the root cause does. We'll show you how. Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. That person pissed me off!We've all been in situations where someone or something made us angry. For example, someone cuts you off in traffic. What do you do? Reactions range from saying something under your breath, to yelling, honking, and making rude hand gestures. The issue is, how you react might affect your state of being for some time. You can probably recall a situation that caused you to become caught up in thoughts and emotions, leading to a reaction that subsequently dictated your mood for hours. Maybe it ended up ruining your entire day! When you reflect on it, you can ask yourself "Did I really have a bad day, or a few bad moments that I dwelled on for the entire day?" More often than not, it's the latter. But, figuring that out after the fact doesn't help a lot. Back to our example - someone cutting you off in traffic may result in the following:
Examples aren't relegated to road rage - daily life is full of them. Maybe a significant other, friend, or acquaintance said something that "rubbed you the wrong way." Or, perhaps someone was purposefully rude to you. Maybe you were treated unfairly by a co-worker or random stranger! We all encounter these situations on a regular basis. And, much to our own detriment, most of us let them affect our outlook on life more than (and, longer than) we should. We let them influence our communication with others, our decisions and actions, our productivity, and - ultimately - our happiness and well-being. The ironic thing is, the person who cut you off in traffic, was rude to you, or said something that offended you will usually go about THEIR day oblivious to the fact that they are controlling everything about YOUR day. Reacting vs. respondingReacting is when you let thoughts and emotions take over, and you get lost in the compulsive mental activity that ensues. This results in the common cliches:
It's the easy path, and there is always someone (or something) to blame for your behavior: "I acted that way because I was pissed about what happened to me earlier!" Responding, on the other hand, means we take action to address what can be addressed. Once we do this, we let go and move on. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, take appropriate action to ensure you're not going to have an accident. When you are sure you're safe, let go of the mental drama - let go of the stories your mind is churning out - and move on with your day. Don't carry around the burden of irritation and anger, because that burden only affects you - it does nothing to the person you are irritated or angry at. Think about this for a minute: you are mad at someone else, but you adopt a state of being (outlook, behavior, actions) that only affects you and makes your life (and the lives of those around you) more difficult. If you fully understand and internalize this, you realize it's insanity to continue functioning this way. An easy way to remember the distinction between reacting and responding is to think about your doctor prescribing medication to you:
Responding isn't the easiest path. To respond, you have to reverse a lifetime of conditioning that culminates in habitual actions and reactions. Alright - how do I do it then?How do you avoid getting lost in thoughts and emotions? How do you keep from dwelling on situations, and letting them affect you long after they happen? How do you just "let go" and move on? You do so by strengthening awareness of thoughts, emotions, and urges as they start to arise. This process is known as mindfulness - it comes from developing the skill of observing your mind and its activity without getting caught up in it. How do you develop this skill? Through the dedicated exercise of meditating. Together, mindfulness and meditation help you avoid the conditioned behavior you've historically been victim to. They allow you to create space between the situation, and thoughts and emotions about the situation. This space is what you need in order to respond appropriately (as opposed to reacting mindlessly). As Viktor Frankl said, Between the stimulus and the response there is a space, and in this space lies our power and freedom. It isn't a transformation that happens instantly - as mentioned above, you are reversing a lifetime of conditioning. And, it requires effort on your part. If you put forth that effort, however, the results can be life-changing. In addition to helping you respond instead of react, mindfulness and meditation address the struggles we all deal with every day:
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Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). |