Last updated October, 2019.

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It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"

Bill writes:

"If I really focus on the music I listen to and don't let my mind wander, is that a form of meditation? I know meditation is focusing on the breath or a mantra, but I find that I can focus really well on music I like."

This is a great question, because it allows us to talk about the difference between mindfulness and meditation (and how they work together).

Based on your description, you are listening to music mindfully - and, that's a good thing!

The ultimate goal for me is to be mindful in everything I do, which is why I meditate every day.

MINDFULNESS AND MEDITATION, EXPLAINED

When you meditate, you strengthen awareness (cultivate mindfulness) of your thoughts, emotions, and urges - as well as the stories that play on a constant loop in your head.

You develop the skill of noticing it all without getting caught up in it.

Mindfulness is transferring that skill to the rest of your day when you aren't meditating. If you are doing things mindfully, you aren't distracted by thoughts about the past or future (or, some alternate reality). Instead, your attention is fully on the task at hand: working, playing, talking to a friend, washing the dishes, walking the dog, listening to music, et cetera.

What does that mean to you?

The human condition is "lost in thought," and we tend to go through life at the mercy of whatever our minds produce next. This results in the problems we all struggle with every day: stress, anxiety, depression, self-doubt, worry, regret, a lack of focus, and so on. 

If properly taught and applied, mindfulness and meditation can help with all of these struggles, and have a profound effect on your overall health and well-being.

ANCHORS AND MISCONCEPTIONS

I want to touch on a few other things from your question. You said, "I know meditation is focusing on the breath or a mantra..."

You do focus your attention on the breath or a mantra. Those things serve as an anchor - when you notice that your attention has wandered, you return it to that anchor. 

But, "focusing on the anchor" isn't the goal - "noticing and returning" is the goal. Notice and return, over and over again (remember, you are developing a skill).

Your next question might be "Can I use music as an anchor?"

The answer is no, and here's why: music usually gives rise to thoughts and emotions associated with it ("I love that song!" "I'm not a fan of this song." "I hate that song!"). Your anchor should be something neutral to avoid that happening. Even if it's a mantra, the mantra should be something meaningless and simple - that's why the most commonly used mantra is the sound "om/aum."

Don't take this to mean that you shouldn't have thoughts and emotions when you meditate. That's a common misconception. But, meditating isn't about stopping or blocking out thoughts and emotions. It's about noticing whatever arises and learning not to get caught up in it. By using a neutral anchor, however, you aren't confusing the issue by adding conditioning that comes with something such as your favorite music (or a phrase that carries special meaning).

Notice and return, over and over. And then go listen to your music mindfully!

It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"

This week, we had similar questions from both Stacy and Adam:

"How does 'observing thoughts' fit in with meditating? Do you watch them, or do you focus your attention on your mantra? I'm not sure which of the two I do, or if I try to do them both at once. And, what does a meditation session look like as you move between the mantra and thinking?"

These are common questions. It can be confusing, especially when you read different instructions from different teachers.

First, observing doesn't imply an active component. This means when you observe thoughts, you don't analyze or interact with them. You simply watch them as they come into being, exist, and cease (i.e., as they arise and pass).

Second, you can only observe thoughts when you become aware of them. You can't observe thoughts when you are lost in them. And, meditating is a formal exercise that helps you move from "lost in thoughts" to "aware of thoughts".

When you are meditating, you have an anchor - the two most common are your breath and a mantra. You focus your attention on this anchor. At some point, you will notice your attention has wandered and you'll become aware of thoughts. You may notice it immediately, or it may take some time. Regardless, once you notice, simply guide your attention back to the anchor.

When you do this over and over again, two things happen:

1. You train your attention to focus on what you want it to focus on; and
2. You learn to observe what arises and passes without getting caught up in it (without getting swept away by it).

 
"Learning to observe what arises and passes without getting caught up in it" (#2 above) is a skill you develop while meditating. This skill is made possible by training your attention (#1 above).

As you develop this skill, it allows you to make a choice in each unfolding moment:

• You can indulge what arises and passes; or
• You can not indulge what arises and passes.

Indulging is our normal choice, though it's a bit of a misnomer to call it "a choice." Our default state is unaware, following our minds wherever they lead, mindlessly indulging mental phenomena, reacting habitually to desires and aversions. This default state results in our struggles and suffering.

Not indulging allows us to move away from this default state.

As far as how this unfolds in a meditation session, here's a sample of what it may look like (using a mantra as the anchor):

• I am repeating the manta (silently, to myself), my attention is focused on it.
• I become aware of a thought about something I need to do later today (another way to say this is, my attention has moved from the mantra and is caught up in thought; I become aware of this happening).
• I am now observing the thought, and return my attention back to the mantra. I continue repeating it.
• Repeating the mantra, my attention is focused on it. 
• Repeating the mantra, my attention is focused on it.
• I'm thinking about the argument I had with my significant other. I play out a scenario where I say something different than I actually said. Why didn't I say that at the time? Wait, what am I doing? How did I get off on this tangent? I'm aware of these thoughts now - I'm observing them, and I return my attention back to the mantra. I continue repeating it.
• Repeating the mantra, my attention is focused on it.

• Repeating the mantra, my attention is focused on it.
• I become aware of a thought about my favorite show that comes on television tonight.
• I observe the thought, and return my attention back to the mantra. I continue repeating it.

And so it goes!

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It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"

Jim writes:

"I live in a noisy environment with traffic sounds coming from outside and, at times, roommates who are moving around and talking. Is it ok to wear headphones and listen to music to block out these distractions? Along those lines, is guided meditation a good method for helping me to focus better so I can analyze my thoughts?"

These are great questions because they allow us to address a few more misconceptions about meditating:

• Meditating isn't about blocking out the environment around you;
• Guided meditation (in our experience) actually creates obstacles to developing a consistent habit; and
• Meditation isn't about analyzing your thoughts.

I'll address each of these, but first we need to come up with a working definition of meditation. Here are two:

Short version

​Meditation isn't about "shutting everything out" or trying to stop thoughts. It's about strengthening awareness of thoughts, and learning to observe them without getting caught up in them.

Longer version

Our normal state is "lost in thought" - and, because this is our normal state, most of us don't realize we're lost in thought. It's a bit like a fish not realizing it's surrounded by water. It's always surrounded by water, so what is there to notice?

This normal state leads to conditioned behavior, which dictates our decisions, actions, and reactions, and leads to the struggles we all face:

• stress
• endless worry
• extreme emotions
• a lack of focus
• an inability to break bad habits
• feelings of anxiety and depression
• a negative self-image
• sleep problems
• tension headaches
• chronic pain, especially in the neck, shoulders, and back
• and on and on...

Meditating is a dedicated exercise that helps you strengthen awareness of your mind and its non-stop activity. It helps you develop the skill of observing it all without getting caught up in it.

Developing a consistent practice will help combat being lost in thought. You can transfer the skills you develop during meditating to your "non-meditating time." We refer to this as bringing mindfulness to your daily life, and it allows you to break free from conditioned behavior and dramatically reduce your struggles and suffering.

Put another way, you are no longer held hostage by the next thought, emotion, or urge that pops into your head.

--

Now that we have a definition, let's look at your first question: Should you wear headphones and listen to music to block out external noises? 

No! 

When you meditate, you should observe everything that arises in your consciousness, including sounds, smells, thoughts, feelings, emotions, et cetera. Watch everything as it comes into being, exists, and passes - which it will if you don't indulge it (if you don't get caught up in it).

Learn to recognize the temporary nature of all phenomena: whatever arises will pass; nothing is permanent.

You mention roommates. There is nothing wrong with moving to a quieter area to practice, especially if you are surrounded by people who are going about their lives in a noisy manner. And I'm not challenging you to try to meditate during a live concert, or while your friends are in the same room cheering on their favorite sports team. 

But, you shouldn't strive to isolate yourself from reality and the "everyday" conditions that come with it. 

If you are meditating and you hear someone talking - or a dog barks, or a horn honks, or a siren wails - simply notice the sound and any thoughts, feelings, or emotions that arise about the sound, and return your attention to your anchor (usually your breath or a mantra). 

The same applies to smells, minor aches and pains, or whatever else might arise in consciousness (such as an itch, or a desire to stop meditating).

You are strengthening awareness, so simply notice everything that comes and goes as it comes and goes. Don't judge it and don't fight it: don't indulge it in any way.

Next, you ask about guided meditation. "Guided meditation" is listening to audio or watching a video that gives instructions to assist you in your practice. There are several pitfalls to this method, but these are the three we usually highlight:​

• First, it perpetuates the myth that meditation is a "spot fix." You can find guided meditations for depression, for stress, for anxiety, and so on. But, meditation doesn't work like that - there isn't one type of meditation for "this" condition, and another type for "that" condition. When you meditate, you develop the skill of observing your mind and its non-stop activity without getting caught up in it. Mindfulness is transferring that skill to your "non-meditating time."
• Second, it makes your ability to meditate dependent on an outside aid. You need your phone, computer, or another device for audio/video. It's hard enough to build a consistent habit without requiring yourself to have something before you can practice. If you aren't motivated, it's easy to put off meditating because you don't have access to what you need: "I can't meditate because my phone is in the other room (or, my laptop is at the office)."
• Third, and most important, meditating helps you strengthen awareness of everything that arises in your consciousness. In guided meditation, however, you are focusing on someone else giving instructions. While this may appear helpful, your attention is split between the guided instructions (and the mental activity those instructions give rise to) and your own thoughts, emotions, and urges. You are attempting to focus your attention and strengthen awareness while battling a self-imposed distraction!

Instead of becoming dependent on guided meditation, learn to do it properly by focusing on your breath or a mantra. If you do that, you will be able to meditate anytime and anywhere.

Finally, you mention "analyzing thoughts" in your questions. It's important to note that meditation isn't analyzing thoughts. You don't dwell on your thoughts, and you don't dissect them or try to understand why they occur. 

You simply observe.

If you analyze, you are indulging thoughts by engaging with them. This gives rise to more thoughts, which lead to emotions, which lead to more thoughts, which lead to more emotions...and on and on and on.

​You aren't strengthening awareness at this point - you are getting dragged around by your mind. 

So, again, simply observe. Strengthen awareness. Watch it all arise and pass.

It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"

Kim writes:

"I've been meditating for almost two months now, and I think it has actually made matters worse. When I first started, I was able to quiet my mind. Now it seems to be going non-stop, and I can't go 30 seconds without drifting into thought during my meditation sitting. My mind is crazier than ever! Is this normal?"

It is normal. But, your mind hasn't become busier. 

You've become more aware of just how busy it's always been.

If you're like most people, you haven't spent a lot of time observing your mind and its compulsive nature. It's hard to understand how pervasive and incessant thoughts and emotions can be - especially when you spend most of your day lost in thoughts and emotions.

Meditating changes that. The more you practice, the more these focused attempts to anchor your attention reveal a startling fact: your mind is always going. As a result of witnessing it first-hand, you might believe you are "failing":

"I was doing better a few weeks ago - now I can't go 30 seconds without my mind wandering."

The reality is, you are finally seeing what has been happening all along!

It takes a bit of time and effort to reach a baseline of awareness that allows this to happen. That's why people believe they are good at meditating at first - they aren't even close to this baseline of awareness yet. In the beginning, they are usually just thinking with their eyes closed, not realizing they are thinking at all!

The best advice is, don't meditate with the goal of calming the mind. Your frustration doesn't come from your mind being "crazy," it comes from you feeling like you can't control it. And, you can't - so give up the attempts to do so.

Instead, meditate with the goal of understanding your mind. As of now, you can see how compulsive it is - the next step is to develop the skill of noticing it all without getting caught up in it.

​Remember that nothing is permanent, including your thoughts, emotions, and urges. Everything comes into being, exists, and ceases (it all comes and goes). Your mind tries to cling to these things and make them permanent. But, meditation and mindfulness teach you to understand the temporary nature of your mind-made activity.

One last point: when you are meditating and you notice your attention has wandered, that is success. To be more specific, you focus your attention on an anchor (most people choose the breath or a mantra), and when you notice it has wandered and you become aware of thoughts, you return your attention to the anchor. Notice and return, over and over and over again. That's why it's called practice! 

The more you practice, the more you develop the skills you can bring to your daily life when you aren't practicing. If you do it consistently, you'll find the calmness you're seeking is there - it's been buried under all that mental noise you've been wrapped up in.

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It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"

Erica writes:

"I've read a lot about meditating on the Internet and, to be honest, it's very confusing. There seem to be dozens of different types, and conflicting instructions on what to do and how to do it. What type of meditation should I focus on? Or, should I do more than one type of meditation? I really don't know where to start."

When you Google "how to meditate," you'll find millions of results (seriously!). 

We constantly get questions on how the different types compare, and which one somebody should practice: Samatha (or concentration), Vipassana (or insight), mindfulness, zazen, metta (or loving-kindness), guided, transcendental, MBSR...the list goes on and on.

There are a lot of methods. There's a lot of advice. And, as you pointed out, much of it conflicts! 

It's easy to suffer information overload, which - according to Wikipedia - leads to a reduction in decision quality and a likelihood of no action being taken. 

That's a bit disheartening: there's so much information available that it overwhelms a lot of people and, as a result, they won't even attempt to meditate.

It doesn't have to be complicated, though. The question I ask people is "Why do you want to meditate?"

These are the most popular answers:

• I heard it relieves stress.
• To be more at peace.
• Because I'm drowning in my thoughts.
• Because I have this voice in my head that won't be quiet.
• I want to be happier (or, more positive...or, less negative).
• I hope it will help with my anxiety.
• I hope it will help with my depression.
• I'm too emotional - I want to be more "centered" or "balanced".

The one thing these answers have in common is a need to better understand the mind. Once you begin to understand the mind, how it works, and the problems it creates in your life, then you can focus on the method.

If you don't have this understanding, however, you'll probably view meditating as a chore or an item to check off your "to-do list." That means you will bounce around from one type of meditation to another, never really focusing, and abandoning your efforts after a short period of time.

In order to understand the mind, you need to become aware of the filters and constructs it places on top of reality. Put simply, we don't see things as they are - we see things as our minds present them.

This brings us full circle to the original question: "What type of meditation do I focus on?"

My answer is simple: when you strip away all the extraneous stuff, there is only ONE type. This one type involves strengthening awareness (also known as "cultivating mindfulness"), and learning to notice your mind and its activity (also known as "mental noise") without getting caught up in it.

One more time: strengthening awareness and learning to notice your mind and its activity without getting caught up in it.

What do we call this one type? Meditating! No fancy names, no extra labels, no added complexity. 

Here are the steps:

• Sit in a comfortable position with your back straight. You can sit in a chair, or on the floor against the wall - it doesn't matter as long as your back is straight (this promotes alertness).
• Set a timer for 5 minutes - start small, you can add more time in the days ahead.
• Take a few deep breaths, and then let it flow naturally - don't try to control it.
• Focus your attention on an anchor - the two most common are your breath as it enters and exits your nostrils, or a mantra (word/phrase) that you repeat silently to yourself.
• At some point, you will notice your attention has wandered and is caught up in thoughts. They could be about anything: work, school, relationships, a movie you saw five years ago, the person that pissed you off yesterday, et cetera.
• When you notice your attention has wandered, simply return it to your anchor. 
• Repeat. 

Don't get frustrated if it takes you a while to notice your attention has wandered from your anchor - sometimes you catch it immediately, sometimes it takes longer. It doesn't matter - simply return it to your anchor when you do notice.

Notice and return, over and over and over again.

As you develop more experience, attempt to actively refrain from judging and labeling thoughts, emotions, or anything else that arises. Drop the urge to categorize "this" as good or positive and "that" as bad or negative.

Thoughts are just thoughts. Emotions are just emotions. They hold no special power over you unless you give it to them. They will go the same as they came, provided you don't cling to them and make them "yours." And, provided you don't try to chase after what gives you pleasant feelings or run away from what gives you unpleasant feelings. 

If you observe instead of interfering, you will see everything progress through a natural cycle of arising (coming), existing for a time, and passing (going).

Don't get mad if a sound interrupts your practice. If something itches and you have to scratch it, scratch it. If you have to shift your position, shift your position.

At the same time, if you can notice discomfort and the desire to alleviate it (scratching, shifting) and let it pass without acting on it, then do so. After all, discomfort is just discomfort. And, thoughts about discomfort are just thoughts about discomfort. And, urges to do something are just urges to do something. 

Simply return your attention to your anchor once you notice it has wandered and you're caught up in thoughts.

Notice and return, over and over and over again.

What does this do for you? 

If you develop a consistent practice, it gets easier to observe thoughts, emotions, and urges when you aren't practicing: this is referred to as being mindful. As you go through your day, you can see this "mental noise" as it arises and realize you don't have to get caught up in it or react to every single thing that happens around (or inside) you.

Instead, you learn to let it all be as it is, independent of you and your attention. This is commonly referred to as "letting thoughts and emotions go," or letting them pass. 

It means you are choosing not to follow them down a path that culminates in conditioned behavior and habitual actions and reactions - a path that leads to struggles with stress, anxiety, self-doubt, et cetera.

That's it. Forget all the different types, forget the labels, forget the complexity. Just start.

Why not set a timer for 5 minutes right now?

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We will be away for a few weeks (travel, speaking, and (maybe) a day or two off).

In the meantime...it is estimated that 15 million new iPhones will be sold this coming weekend. I like the iPhone, but it begs the question: do you think your happiness lies in your next purchase? Or your next job? Or your next significant other?

If your happiness lies on the other side of "something else," you will never have lasting happiness.

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We will return on Tuesday, September 30th with a new installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"

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​What are you trying to "cope" with?

• Stress? 
• Anxiety? 
• Sleep problems?

​​Coping doesn't work - addressing the root cause does. We'll show you how.

Last updated October, 2018.

​note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required).

It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"

Stephen writes:

"I enjoy your articles and get a lot from your blog posts. But, when I read something like what you posted on Medium last week (Stop trying to control your thoughts), it confuses me. I have a lot of negative thoughts, and thoughts that I don't want to continue. They put me in a bad mood, and they make me unhappy with myself. So I do want to control them to the extent that I make them go away/stop thinking them. What is your advice?"

Read your words - you said "they put me in a bad mood," and "they make me unhappy with myself."

My advice is stop judging yourself so harshly! Your problem isn't the thoughts, your problem is your aversion to the thoughts. This aversion perpetuates attachment - it's like the old saying:

"Whatever you fight only becomes stronger."

We are conditioned to judge what happens and label it as "good" or "bad." If we label it as good, we cling to it and try to keep it from changing. If we label it as bad, we push it away or try to repress it.

Both lead to suffering.

In your case, you want thoughts you label as bad to go away. But, when they don't go away (or go away and then come back!), you get frustrated, upset, and the cycle of judgment continues.

Trying to control thoughts is a futile task. Instead, learn to drop the labels and view what happens from a neutral perspective.

How do you do that?

By strengthening awareness. Awareness allows you to notice thoughts without getting caught up in them. And, it helps you develop the skill of moving your attention away from them when they aren't useful. This is commonly referred to as "letting them pass." 
​
You will find that thoughts are temporary - they arise, exist for a time, and cease (they come and go). You can watch them pass like clouds in the sky. And, in doing so, you realize the "content" of your mind doesn't matter; what matters is not indulging thoughts, and turning something temporary into something permanent (remember our quote above: "Whatever you fight [indulge] only becomes stronger").

Take the time and energy you previously spent trying to control thought and reallocate it to building a consistent meditation practice, and bring mindfulness to your daily life. The benefits can be life-changing.

Last updated October, 2018.

​note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required).

It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!"

Brian writes:

"I always hear 'be compassionate,' and sometimes it's a challenge. I think I do the right thing, and I help someone who is genuinely in need, but I also know that people take advantage of the generosity of others. If they don't work hard to help themselves and improve their lives, I feel it is their own fault and they aren't deserving of assistance. Is this wrong thinking, and how can I be more compassionate if it is?"

Hi Brian, your thoughts on compassion are common. It comes down to judging others, and determining who you think is - and isn't - worthy of help.

The problem with this thinking is there will always be someone who "takes advantage" of the system, but you can't punish everyone because of it. So, in essence, I'm advising you to drop judgment. Which logically leads to the question:

​"How do I stop judging people?"

There are people in need everywhere, and it's human nature to assume their situations are self-created. That person asking for money? Well, he should just get a job (and, he probably drinks and does drugs!). That single mother who needs help? Well, why did she have kids in the first place (and, is that an iPhone she has!?!)?

We are skilled at rationalizing and creating stories about the things we see, and that makes it easy to judge, blame, and ignore.

We've all been told that to be more compassionate, you simply need to "put yourself in their shoes." Imagine yourself as the homeless person, the single mother, the alcoholic, or the guy out of work for over a year. But, this advice rarely helps. Why?

It doesn't help because we rationalize that, if we were in their shoes, we would have made better decisions and taken better actions:

• "I would have worked harder." 
• "I wouldn't have had children." 
• "I would have left that abusive spouse long ago." 
• "I wouldn't have blown all my money."

The list goes on and on. And, that's the flaw in our thinking. 

You can't think of it as YOU being placed in THEIR shoes, but still making decisions as YOU. That's not how it works.

You have to think of YOU actually being THEM, atom for atom.

You aren't just making YOUR decisions in THEIR shoes - you are them, having been subject to the exact causes and conditions that put them in the place they are right now. Those causes and conditions stretch back in time, and include the decisions and actions of parents, grandparents, and other people we have no insight in to.

If you truly contemplate this, you will realize the odds of you ending up different than them are zero. But, you have to be honest. You have to admit you could never know all of the factors (causes and conditions) involved in making someone who they are. And, you have to drop the reflex of thinking of it as YOU in THEIR shoes, but still making decisions as YOU.

That is the heart of compassion. It's not writing a check, giving a homeless person $5, or working in a soup kitchen. Those things are important, but they aren't compassion.

Compassion is dropping our rigid views and judgments. Compassion is admitting that, if we were born into the same circumstances and exposed to the exact same things - if we switched places with the other person atom for atom and were subject to everything they were exactly as they were, we would most definitely have ended up at the point they are now.

As with anything else, this requires practice. You can't just "flip a switch" and drop your judgment and conditioning. It's worth the effort, though: true compassion not only dictates how you treat the world around you, it dictates how you treat yourself as well.

As The Dalai Lama said: