This article was last updated October, 2018. note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required). Here is this weeks installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Renee writes: "I want to be able to eliminate my bad, destructive thoughts. Is there a certain type of meditation I should practice to help me do this?" This is a variation of the most common misconception that exists when it comes to meditating: that you are supposed to stop thinking. Meditation is not about
If you try to do any of these things, you will meet with frustration and quickly give up the practice. And, to Renee's specific question, the "Ironic process theory" states that if you deliberately try to eliminate certain thoughts, you will actually think about them more. For example, try not to think about a pink elephant. Okay, including a picture of one at the top of this article makes the exercise more difficult. But, even without the picture, you would most likely be thinking about a pink elephant right now! Trying to suppress thoughts, trying to force yourself to think only positive thoughts, and trying to completely stop your mind from thinking are all fruitless ventures. The good news is, you don't need to do any of that! Thoughts are just thoughts. It isn't the content of your mind that matters, it's how you let it condition your behavior (decisions, actions, reactions). This is where meditating can help, provided you practice equanimity when you do it. Equanimity dictates you view all thoughts impartially, and don't label them "good," "bad," "positive," or "negative." Exercising a non-judgmental view is key to realizing the benefits of mindfulness and meditation - so, hold the intention to stop judging the contents of your mind! Thoughts are just thoughts. They come into being, exist, and cease - provided you don't build a story around them which perpetuates their existence and gives rise to more thoughts. And, provided you don't try to cling to "these" and push away "those." Your mind constantly attempts to do this, and labeling only makes it easier:
When you meditate, strive to notice your thoughts without prejudice. Strengthen your awareness, and see them for what they are: temporary phenomena that come and go, like clouds moving across the sky. Instead of getting caught up in them, you can choose to simply let them pass by (let them be as they are, independent of you and your attention). Thoughts are just thoughts. They hold power over you only if you let them. They hold power over you if you blindly follow them wherever they lead. Unfortunately, people generally go through life like this - they operate on autopilot, being pushed and pulled around by their minds. As a result, their daily existence is mired in what we refer to as "the struggles of life":
Mindfulness and meditation help you escape these struggles. As Guy Finley says, The only reason your mind won't stop its endless chattering is because you won't stop listening to it. Stop dealing with the symptoms.Stress, anxiety, self-confidence issues, the inability to stop bad habits, problems with sleep and focus, and on and on and on.
These and the other things we struggle with every day are only symptoms. The good news is, they all share the same root cause. The bad news is, if you don't address that root cause, the symptoms will keep coming back no matter what you do. That's why we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind." For almost 20 years, people have been using it to address the root cause of their daily struggles. Click here to view the contents and learn more. Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. Here is this weeks installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Julie writes: "As I understand it, meditation teaches you to not get attached to things. Is that healthy? I don't want to end up as someone who is unattached and unfeeling towards my friends and family." NON-ATTACHMENT VS. DETACHMENT The question above highlights a common misconception. Most of us don't understand "non-attachment," and mistakenly think of it as Julie described - uncaring and unfeeling. They equate it with a cold, callous attitude, and an inability to love and appreciate other people and things. This better describes "detachment," however. Detachment is a defense mechanism that people employ to keep from feeling emotions. Non-attachment, on the other hand, means acknowledging and accepting what arises (feelings, thoughts, emotions, urges, etc.) without getting caught up in any of it. It means not indulging thoughts and emotions, because indulging only serves to perpetuate them. It means not following your mind down a path that culminates in conditioned behavior, and habitual actions and reactions. This is what we strive for in meditation. Equally as important, non-attachment means you don't try to make something temporary into something permanent. EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE Impermanence is a fundamental truth whether we choose to accept it or not: nothing lasts unchanging over time. If you "attach" or cling to something that is temporary, you will suffer when it changes. This applies to anything in your life - people, places, things, experiences, situations, relationships, et cetera. A full understanding and acceptance of the transient nature of reality will lead you to a deeper appreciation for everything. You can be in relationships, you can enjoy things and experiences, you can love and be loved - but, now you do it with the realization that nothing is permanent. As such, you cultivate the ability to be more present with the things that are meaningful to you. There is a story from the book "Thoughts Without A Thinker" that illustrates this understanding: "You see this goblet?" asks Achaan Chaah, the Thai meditation master. "For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious." Put simply, knowing that everything will change makes each moment you spend with it more precious. And, that is the opposite of unfeeling and uncaring. <>
Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). Last updated October, 2018. note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required). It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Today's question: "I work in a very stressful environment, and I have a challenging situation in my family life that causes a lot of frustration and anxiety. I feel that my stress (and frustration/anxiety) isn't 'everyday' stress, it's constant because of my job and family. As such, I don't know that meditation would really help me. I think I need to remove myself from these environments first, otherwise it will just keep coming. What is your advice in matters like this?" We tend to blame our struggles - in your case, stress, frustration, and anxiety - on external circumstances:
Changing these external circumstances might provide temporary relief, but the stress, frustration, and anxiety will always come back. What does this tell you? It should tell you that external circumstances aren't actually responsible for stress, frustration, and anxiety. That's great news because if they were, we'd never be able to find relief! The fact is, there will always be external circumstances to blame for our struggles - life provides an endless supply, whether it's other people, objects and things, or situations we find ourselves in. These external circumstances are the background of our existence, but they are also interchangeable. If you "fix" one that you perceive causes you suffering, it will be replaced by another in short order. The path to liberation begins with realizing that everything "out there" is constantly changing. What we find joy in one day causes us sorrow another day, and vice versa. The things we find pleasant don't last forever, and we suffer when we cling to how they "were" instead of accepting how they are. The things we find unpleasant don't last forever, either - but we constantly try to avoid or escape them, or bury them under distractions that ultimately bring more suffering our way. We spend most of our lives trying to control the world around us. We attempt to surround ourselves with what we like, and shield ourselves from what we don't like. These efforts, ironically, ensure we'll always be at the mercy of the world around us. As such, we live in extremes, going from "high" to "low" and "low" to "high" as if we are riding a roller coaster. Happy, sad, up, down. Continuously buffeted by thoughts and emotions. And, we'll always be stuck on this roller coaster unless we learn to address the root cause. The good news is, the root cause is actually easier to deal with than all the external circumstances. Instead of having thousands of things you are always trying to control and fix, you only have one thing to focus your efforts on. This one thing is your compulsive mind and your relationship with it. Our usual relationship with our minds is that we are continuously lost in them and the non-stop activity they produce. They push and pull us through our day, and our attention is held hostage by a never-ending stream of thoughts, emotions, and urges. All of this conditions our behavior, and dictates our actions and reactions. Being lost in thoughts and emotions is our normal state. And, because it's our normal state, we don't even realize it. It's like a fish not realizing it's surrounded by water, because it's always surrounded by water. This root cause drives us to continuously chase after pleasure and run away from pain. It chains us to the roller coaster fueled by external circumstances that we are always trying to change, control, or fix. How do we address it? We address the root cause by strengthening awareness. What you become aware of, you are no longer victim to. And, through awareness, you can learn not to be caught up in (not to be swept away by) your compulsive mind. How do you strengthen awareness? You strengthen awareness through meditation and mindfulness. Meditating is a formal exercise, and doing it consistently will allow you to see how profoundly distracted you tend to be. More important, it teaches you how to correct this problem through the quality of mindfulness it cultivates. Mindfulness helps you train your attention to focus on what you want it to focus on. And, it helps you develop the ability to observe your mind and its activity without getting caught up in it (without getting swept away by it). This brings us full circle to your question, which is essentially "Why should I try to meditate when I have all these external circumstances in my life that I perceive to cause my problems, struggles, and suffering?" My answer is, because meditating will show you that those problems, struggles, and suffering aren't caused by external circumstances. And, trying to find lasting happiness by controlling and fixing everything "out there" will only keep you on the roller coaster, lurching from one extreme to the next. Meditating and mindfulness help you get off the roller coaster and find a deeper state of contentment that isn't affected by everything that happens "out there." note - another way to re-frame the above discussion is to use the analogy of "treating the symptoms, not the disease." External circumstances are the symptoms, your compulsive mind (and non-stop mental activity) is the disease. You can treat the symptoms (i.e., change your external circumstances), but it won't cure the disease. Stop dealing with the symptoms.Stress, anxiety, self-confidence issues, the inability to stop bad habits, problems with sleep and focus, and on and on and on.
These and the other things we struggle with every day are only symptoms. The good news is, they all share the same root cause. The bad news is, if you don't address that root cause, the symptoms will keep coming back no matter what you do. That's why we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind." For almost 20 years, people have been using it to address the root cause of their daily struggles. Click here to view the contents and learn more. Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. You are not unique. But, ironically, all of us think we are! We previously wrote an article titled Misconceptions about meditating ('I'm supposed to stop thinking!') It explored two common fallacies we repeatedly hear:
It's critical to correct these misconceptions, otherwise people get frustrated and give up. In recent months we are seeing another misconception, and it's being used as an excuse to not try at all: "MY mind is too busy to meditate!" This brings us back to the fact that you are not unique. Every week we get messages or talk to people who think they are the only person who has a mind that is always going. They like to talk about the chatter in their head, and how it's non-stop. And how their thoughts just keep coming. They believe their mind is busier than everyone else's mind, and don't entertain the possibility that we all suffer from the same affliction. But, we do! As Eckhart Tolle says, The human condition is lost in thought. When we are young, our parents tell us we are unique. They have the best intentions, but - unfortunately - this guidance leads to feelings of isolation. If you are unique and different from others, you tend to develop the mistaken (and divisive) view of "me against the world." You foster a mindset that the things you go through are unlike the things everyone else goes through. The fact is, we aren't that different. We all share a common set of challenges*. And, one of the most prominent challenges is a mind that is extremely busy! Ironically, the excuse that so many people use as to why they can't meditate is exactly why they should! As we've discussed in previous articles, the point of meditation is to become aware of your compulsive mind and its non-stop activity. By strengthening awareness, we learn to notice it all without getting caught up in it (without getting swept away by it). We see the temporary nature of everything that arises: thoughts, emotions, urges, mental states - it all comes into being, exists for a time, and passes...provided we don't cling to it and turn it into "our story." This is the first step on the path to liberation. Our challenge to you is this: dedicate 10 minutes this weekend to observing your mind. Take 5 minutes on Saturday and 5 minutes on Sunday, sit in a chair with your back straight, and focus your attention on your breath as it enters and exits your nostrils (or, your stomach as it rises and falls). When you notice your attention has wandered and you're aware of thoughts, simply return it to your breath. Every time you do this, you are strengthening awareness! Most important, you're training yourself to stop blindly following your mind wherever it leads. Be warned - your attention will wander a lot. But, don't get frustrated. As long as you notice it has wandered and return it to your breath, you are doing it right! Notice and return. Notice and return. Notice and return. You can spare 10 minutes this weekend, can't you? If you do this Saturday and Sunday, you can also do it Monday and Tuesday. And you can eventually do it twice a day instead of once a day. And, you can eventually do it for 10 minutes each session instead of 5 minutes each session. This is how you build a habit - one step at a time. You just have to start. What do you get in return for your efforts? Mental states such as stress, worry, anxiety, depression, fear, and regret begin to lose their hold on you. The "struggles of life" don't affect you as much as they once did. And, a more content state of being comes to you easier...and, stays with you longer. You might even find it's been there all along, but was covered up by the mental drama and stories playing on a loop in your head! *reflecting on this realization - that we all share a common set of challenges - will also help you cultivate compassion for yourself and others. <>
Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. |