Last updated December, 2019.

​note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required).

​The world isn't here to fulfill your desires. That's not a harsh truth - it's just...a truth.

​What happens in any given moment is the culmination of 14 billion years of causes and conditions that preceded it. And, what happens in any given moment will become part of causes and conditions that give rise to the next moment.

The illusion of control makes us believe we can shape, mold, or force what appears before us, in this moment. We think we control this little patch of experience, all the while ignoring everything else that's happening in the Universe.

Do we make the sun shine? Do we make the wind blow? Do we make our hearts beat?

No. But, for some reason, we believe the opposite when it comes to our little patch of experience.

Our inner narrative drives expectations, and those expectations cause a struggle with "what is" vs. "how we want it to be." The latter rarely matches the former. And, even if it comes close, our minds tell us it could be better if only something was a little different.

As long as we are caught up in our minds, we will be victim to the struggles and suffering they give rise to. We think the world is here to fulfill our desires. We grasp after. We push away. "I want this." "I don't want that."

We attach to results and hope for certain outcomes, and life comes crashing down when they don't occur.

We lose sight of the fact that this moment is the only way it can be, due to the billions of years of causes and conditions that brought it into being. And, while you can be aware of your intentions and actions, you have little insight into much else that goes into what unfolds here and now.

It's times like these when you should give up hope. What this means is, stop being hopeful for something to happen. Or not happen. Or, happen differently.

Mindfulness and meditation teach us not to cling to "this" or push away "that." They teach us to meet reality with presence and compassion, regardless of what happens.

So, drop your demands of the world. Shed your expectations. Stop struggling against the force of billions of years of causes and conditions. Without this excess mental baggage, you can better deal with "what is" instead of getting lost in your inner narrative about "how it should be."

As a result, your decisions and actions in this moment will be more skillful. And, those "more skillful" decisions and actions will become part of causes and conditions that give rise to the next moment.

To quote Dzigar Kongrul Rinpoche,

​note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required).

​We all face challenges when developing a meditation practice. One of the most common is believing that meditating produces more thoughts.

This isn't true, it's simply part of the path for many people.

Most of us go through our days lost in thought without knowing we're lost in thought. When we finally make the focused effort to look, we discover how compulsive our minds are (and, how the non-stop mental noise colors the background of our existence).

Here's an example for someone we'll call Bill:

1.) Bill starts meditating, and he believes it's going great. The first few times he does it, he's convinced that he's able to stop thoughts and "quiet" his mind.

"This meditation thing is really cool...and, I'm good at it. I'm so Zen!"

2.) After a few sessions, Bill becomes frustrated because he now feels he's bombarded with thoughts (and emotions, and urges, and sensations...). Why is this happening? A few days ago, he could sit and not think at all. Now, he can't stop thinking.

"Meditating is actually making things worse."

3.) Bill grows more frustrated and eventually stops meditating.

"It didn't work for me - it did the opposite of what it was supposed to do."

Of course, meditating isn't making things worse - and, it isn't creating more thoughts. Bill is simply becoming aware of what has always been there. He is becoming aware of his compulsive mind, and the thoughts, emotions, urges, sensations, and perceptions that permeate his daily life.

He is seeing clearly - perhaps for the first time - an inner narrative that comments on and judges everything (including himself!).

This can be a frightening experience for many of us - as we wrote in "An owner's guide to the mind,"

"For many, it's comparable to believing they are alone in an empty stadium but finding they are actually surrounded by a hundred thousand screaming (most likely angry) fans."

We have to remember there are steps in every meditation practice. And, quite often, the first step is to realize the nature of the mind. And, part of this realization is accepting that you've been oblivious to it most of your life - that you've been lost in thought without knowing you're lost in thought.

Once you complete this first step, you may come to the conclusion that "my mind is too busy to meditate." This is also a common starting point for those who already know how compulsive their minds are, and have rationalized not meditating because they believe they are different; they believe their minds are unique, and meditation simply won't work for them.

Of course, this isn't true either. And one of our most popular articles addresses this misconception: "My mind is too busy to meditate!"

Stress, anxiety, self-confidence issues, the inability to stop bad habits, problems with sleep and focus, and on and on and on.

These and the other things we struggle with every day are only symptoms. 

The good news is, they all share the same root cause. The bad news is, if you don't address that root cause, the symptoms will keep coming back no matter what you do.

That's why we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind." For almost 20 years, people have been using it to address the root cause of their daily struggles.

Click here to view the contents and learn more.

This article was last updated January 2018.

note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required).

​One of our most frequently asked questions is a version of this:

"What's better, (a.) meditating 5-10 minutes every day, or (b.) meditating an hour in one sitting when you can find the time?"

First, we'll answer the question.

There's a quote that states "Consistency is better than rare moments of greatness." This applies to meditating.

If you meditate "now and then" for an hour but don't do anything else, you probably won't receive a lot of benefit. It's far better to build a consistent practice where you meditate 5-10 minutes every day. It's even better to build a consistent practice where you meditate 5-10 minutes several times a day, every day.

Next, we'll explain why the question is irrelevant and usually indicates a misunderstanding of why you should meditate.

The dedicated exercise of meditating is meaningless if you don't strive to be mindful when you aren't meditating. Mindfulness is the application of the skills you develop when you meditate.

When you meditate, you learn to watch thoughts, emotions, and other mental activity as it comes and goes; you learn to observe it all without getting caught up in it. And, by continuously watching it all come into being, exist, and cease, you'll develop an understanding of its temporary nature. If you don't give any of it fuel to persist by grasping after what you label "positive/pleasant" or pushing away what you label "negative/unpleasant," it simply arises and passes in your awareness.

As Thich Nhat Hanh states, 

This is the essence of meditation - strengthening awareness of your mind-made activity as it comes and goes. But, in order to benefit from your practice, you need to apply the awareness you strengthen to your daily life when you aren't meditating. Put another way, 

You need to be mindful.

How can you be mindful?

Throughout the day, check to see where you attention is at. Is it dwelling on something from the past, leading to regret and depression? Is it ruminating on something that might happen in the future, leading to stress and anxiety? Or, is it in an alternate reality, escaping the present moment by indulging in fantasies and day-dreams?

As you check, if you find that you aren't grounded in the present moment, simply move your attention back to what's happening right here and now.

To help you remember to do this, you can utilize what we call "mindfulness cues." Mindfulness cues are audio or visual prompts - some examples include the following:

• Setting an alarm on your phone to go off every 15 or 30 minutes. When it sounds, stop what you're doing and check to see where your attention is at;
• Putting a post-it note on your computer monitor, bathroom mirror, or some other visible location. When you see it, stop what you're doing and check to see where your attention is at;
• Wearing a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you look at it, stop what you're doing and check to see where your attention is at.

You can even do something as simple as making a pen mark on the back of your hand. When you see it, check to see where your attention is at.

In conclusion, consistency trumps infrequent, longer sessions when it comes to meditating. But, what's critical is applying the skills you develop while meditating to your "non-meditating" time.

Your struggles and suffering - whether it's stress, feelings of anxiety or depression, low self-confidence, extreme emotions...or anything else - are caused by the difference between the way things are and the way the mind thinks they should be.

Does it make sense to continue trying to control everything "out there" to conform to the mind's expectations? Or, is a more skillful use of your time and energy changing the way you deal with the thoughts and stories the mind constantly churns out?

If you believe it's the second option, continue reading...

Last updated October, 2018.

Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, please consider supporting us by checking out the overview for our best-selling work, "An owner's guide to the mind".

​Last month we discussed "demanding expectations." Here are a few examples:

• I must get that promotion (or job, or gadget, or thing from the store).
• That person has to treat me fairly.
• This situation needs to turn out as I planned (and hoped).
• Everything should be how I want it.

(read the original article here)

Implied in demanding expectations is the desire for things to be different. It can be something small - "That dog needs to stop barking." Or, something big - "My partner has to change or I'm leaving him/her."

We want things to be different, and get lost in the mental drama that tells us happiness is not possible unless/until it is.

And while we wait for things to change, we usually wallow in a state of unhappiness. It's self-imposed suffering.

What's the root of this habitual behavior? Throughout our lives, we are led to believe that we need something to be happy. It's easy to spot these thoughts, because they are usually preceded by "If only":

• If only I get this new toy, then I'll be happy.
• If only I have that person as a boyfriend/girlfriend...
• If only this group of people will like and accept me...
• If only I make this amount of money...
• If only I have that kind of car. Or those shoes. Or that house.
• If only I was skinnier. Or my nose wasn't crooked. Or my hair wasn't thinning.
• If only I had a different boss. Or spouse. Or friends.
• If only I could do that for a living...if I could get that job, then I'll be happy.

We see obtaining or attaining something as the path to happiness. As such, we continually put off being ok with life until something is different.

We attach our happiness to external events, but forget those external events are usually beyond our control and always impermanent:

• New things get old.
• We buy stuff that eventually wears out or "loses its luster."
• People treat us good one day and bad the next.
• That great new job becomes a grind.
• Our deepest love is often challenged by trying circumstances, or traits that annoy us.

If we attach our happiness to impermanent things, we will never be consistently happy. We'll have fleeting moments, but there will always be something else over the horizon that we need to obtain or attain. There will always be that desire for things to be different.

Someone once said "What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be." This quote encompasses everything that causes us to suffer:

• demanding expectations;
• wanting things to be different;
• impermanence;
• clinging to what we label "pleasurable";
• avoiding what makes us uncomfortable; and
• chasing happiness.

The next time you find yourself unhappy, examine the picture in your head of how you want things to be. Look at the stories you are telling yourself.

Become aware of thoughts, feelings, urges, and that narrative (inner monologue) running through your head. And, through mindfulness and meditation, learn not to get caught up in the mental drama.

Life seems to be a roller coaster of ups and downs. All of us are endlessly searching for happiness as we stumble from one problem to the next, trying to cope as best we can.

​Are you ready to do something different?

If so, we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind" for you. Click here to read more.

Last updated December, 2018.

​Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, please consider supporting us by checking out the overview for our best-selling work, "An owner's guide to the mind".

Alternate title: Why expectations cause you to suffer - and, what to do about it.
​
--

Anger. Worry. Stress. Anxiety. Depression.

Why do we get upset? Why do we worry endlessly? Why do we see ourselves as victims of people and situations?

Epictetus said

"Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them."

More recently, Captain Jack Sparrow said

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem."

This is where many readers will stop, because they believe I'm going to lecture them about positive thinking, or having a sunny outlook no matter what challenges they face.

But that's not the solution, and we've dispelled the myth of "forced positive thinking" in the past. The solution is more than that and, at the same time, simpler than that.


Demanding expectations

We all have expectations, and it's the demanding nature of those expectations that cause our suffering.

Our demanding expectations are characterized by words and phrases like "must," "needs to," "has to," and "should be" or "should do."

• I must get that promotion (or job, or gadget, or new pair of shoes).
• That person has to treat me fairly.
• This situation needs to turn out as I planned (and hoped).
• Everything should be how I want it.

Our demanding expectations give rise to thoughts, emotions, and urges which, in turn, reinforce and strengthen those demanding expectations.

The entire process becomes automatic and repetitive: something happens, it doesn't meet your demanding expectations, your mind cycles through the habitual mental drama, you suffer.

But you are not suffering from the "something that happens" - you are suffering from your demanding expectations!

Conditioning yourself to drop expectations is the logical solution, but it can be challenging...after all, you've spent a lifetime developing and reinforcing them. What if they weren't so demanding, though? Instead of "I must do this" or "That person needs to do that" or "That situation should result in this outcome," what if you adopted more flexible expectations?

Consider this:

"I prefer 'X,' but if I don't get 'X' (or 'X' doesn't happen), my life will not end."

Stop clinging to those demanding expectations. Re-frame them to be more flexible, as demonstrated above. This shift can instantly end much of your self-imposed suffering. And from there, you can work on dropping expectations entirely.

Here are a few points to remember when it comes to adopting more flexible expectations:

• Acceptance is key - acceptance of yourself, others, and life in general. When you step back and let things unfold without attempting to control them and make them fit the mental images you constantly create, you'll be able to focus your time and energy on skillful actions and reactions to what is happening around you.
• Being uncomfortable is ok - people don't always do what you want them to do. Situations don't always happen as you hope. Events don't always transpire like you think they should. You don't always win, you aren't always treated fair, you don't always get the things you desire, other people don't always do what you feel is right.

Can life be a struggle at times? Absolutely. But, if you are reading this right now, you've successfully survived 100% of your struggles so far.

Now, give yourself a break and stop the self-imposed suffering.

"I prefer 'X,' but if I don't get 'X' (or 'X' doesn't happen), my life will not end."

Life seems to be a roller coaster of ups and downs. All of us are endlessly searching for happiness as we stumble from one problem to the next, trying to cope as best we can.

​Are you ready to do something different?

If so, we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind" for you. Click here to read more.

Last updated November, 2019.
​
​Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, click here to learn about our 15-day meditation challenge, "Your inner narrative".

The following post was written by Chelsea, our Chief Mindfulness Officer.

​There's an old saying that "things often get worse before they get better." Many meditators believe this saying applies to their practice as well. Actually, they'll usually tell you there's improvement, followed by a proverbial "nosedive," followed by improvement once again (if you stick to it, that is). 

So, better-worse-better. Why is this the case?

It doesn't apply to everyone, but - for many people - things go smoothly when they first learn to meditate. The novelty of their new practice helps them stay committed, and keeping their attention focused on an anchor (a mantra or the breath) appears to require little effort. The times when their minds "wander" seem few and far between, and they are confident they catch themselves each time! This leads to a feeling of accomplishment and serenity at the end of their sessions.

Then, one day, they can’t seem to keep their attention focused. They feel barraged by thoughts and emotions, and inundated by sounds and sensations - all of which seem to have multiplied exponentially since their last session. Trying to stay focused feels like an exercise in futility, and the prospect of returning their attention to an anchor once distracted seems impossible. 

This continues to happen session after session, and the previous feelings of accomplishment and serenity are replaced by disappointment and frustration. 

Could it be that their minds have actually gotten busier and more chaotic through meditation? No, absolutely not.

This is a common misconception, but reality is their minds are the same as they've always been: compulsive, pervasive, and incessant. Practicing mindfulness and meditation hasn’t changed this - it’s just making them notice more. In the beginning, they only notice a little and believe they are seeing everything that's happening.

As they continue to practice, however, they get better at noticing (i.e., they strengthen awareness). And, they begin to see there is more going on than they initially realized!

It’s like the woman who finds out she’s pregnant - as the days go by, she seems to encounter pregnant women everywhere she turns. Or, the man who buys a new car - over the next week or two, he starts noticing the same car all over the road. The other pregnant women and cars were always there, they just got better at noticing them.

Our minds create a constant and pervasive stream of activity (thoughts, emotions, urges, sensations, etc.), the majority of which we are blind to. Just like background programs on a computer, they exist below the surface of our current level of awareness. 

Through formal meditation practice, you strengthen awareness; this brings the stream of non-stop activity to the surface (so to speak). The more aware you become, the more you can practice "not getting attached to" or "lost in" thoughts and emotions. You can observe the mental activity without getting caught up in it (without getting swept away by it).

​The better you get at observing, the less your behavior is conditioned by your mind. And, the less your decisions and actions are dictated by the stories that constantly play in your head.

So, it may sound counter-intuitive. But the fact that your mind seems busier is actually a sign of success! You should feel encouraged, because you've reached a baseline level of awareness that is allowing you to notice what's going on!

Becoming more aware of your mind’s compulsive nature and non-stop activity is the first step to creating more peace in your life. Who among us isn't in need of that?

note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required).

The following post was written by Chelsea, our Chief Mindfulness Officer and creator of "ARC: mindfulness for children."

​Takeaway quote:

When you take something for granted, you underestimate its importance. If you intentionally devalue the things that are important to you as a way to "let go," not only are you cheating yourself out of enjoying them to the fullest, but you are coping through avoidance.

The question (in reference to Why we take things for granted (and how to stop).:

"I understand how taking things for granted can be a bad thing, but isn’t it healthy sometimes? If we’re laser-focused on everything all the time, wouldn’t it make us take things too seriously and worry even more about losing them? It seems to me that taking things for granted every once in awhile would help us let go of all that and enjoy the present moment."

First, it’s important to understand that taking life too seriously and worrying are directly related: if you’re doing one, then you’re doing the other. To further illustrate what I mean, I’ll use myself as an example:

Once upon a time, I used to play co-ed slow-pitch softball. The team I joined was terrible for the first two seasons - our skills were reminiscent of The Bad News Bears, and we had to find at least two substitutes each game because we couldn't keep a full roster. That was okay, though, because we were just there to have fun.