Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. Are you depending on your future self to save you? It won't. It can't. But, why? Because your future self doesn't exist. And, it never will - it's an illusion. The only thing that exists is you right here and now, in the present moment. And, the present moment is the only time you can actually do anything. We all fall into this trap - we think tomorrow we will be the person we always wanted to be. We think tomorrow we will do the things we need to do:
We refer to this process as tomorrowing yourself to the end of your life. NOW IS THE ONLY MOMENT YOU CAN LIVE. This sounds like a motivational (or new age) platitude, right? The reality is, it's the most basic truth you can encounter:
But, our minds use tomorrow as an escape from today. The present moment turns into a stepping stone to some future time when you'll finally do what you need to do, have what you need to have, and be who you want to be. The mind does this so often that we become disconnected from "now," which means we don't take action in the only time we actually can (a condition known as procrastinating). And, if you don't take action in the present moment, you'll be in a constant state of anxiety (also known as the effects of procrastinating). Your mind perpetuates this cycle. It tells you that happiness, success, and fulfillment lie at some point down the road. When you reach that point, however, you always find your mind has pushed it farther down the road. You are being led around like a donkey following a carrot that is just out of reach. "BUT" - OBJECTIONS AND EXCUSES. Many people argue that being present means you can't plan or have goals. But these people confuse planning with dwelling and ruminating. Plan. Take action. Evaluate and adjust. And, do it all mindfully in the only time you can do it - now. That's different than getting wrapped up in mental drama about projected outcomes, and if/when scenarios about things happening or not happening. When it comes to dwelling and ruminating, there is another important factor to note: it uses your finite time and energy, which could otherwise be allocated to planning and executing your plans more effectively. You've probably heard a version of the saying "The journey is the destination." This implies that your attention and focus should be on the present moment, not on some future point that promises happiness. You can’t make your happiness reliant on something you need to do, change, or acquire, because there will always be something you need to do, change, or acquire. Instead, learn to be happy now. If you have a plan or goal and achieve it, be happy. If you have a plan or goal and don’t achieve it, still be happy because you put forth your best efforts. The question that's usually asked is "How do you live in the present moment?" But, this is the wrong question to ask. It should be "How do I keep my mind from pulling me out of the present moment?" The answer is simple: you strengthen awareness of your compulsive mind and the non-stop mental noise it produces. You learn to notice it all without getting caught up in it. When you see that your mind is pulling you away from "now," return your attention to the present moment. Do it over and over and over again. It takes practice, because you are reversing a lifetime of conditioning. With practice, however, you'll get better at it. And, as you get better at it, you realize that happiness isn't over the horizon. It's right here and now. <>
Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). Last updated October, 2019. note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required). We've written a lot about compassion in the past, saying things like "Compassion isn't writing a check, giving a homeless person $5, or working in a soup kitchen. Those things are important, but they aren't compassion. Compassion is recognizing our relationship with everyone else." This is often easier said than done. Our everyday lives present a lot of challenges, and stopping to reflect on our relationship with others usually isn't at the top of our priority list. But, it's an exercise that can greatly aid our ability to develop compassion. One thing that will help you realize your relationship to everyone (and everything) is the concept of "interconnectedness." There are two quotes I like to reference when discussing this subject. The first is from Carl Sagan: If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe. This quote is simple in its premise: nothing exists without everything else, and what exists now is the result of events that stretch back in time (events we have little insight into, and little control over). That apple pie isn't just the product of a few ingredients and an oven. Those ingredients and that oven are made up of myriad other things, which are made up of myriad other things, and on and on and on. In Sagan's summation, you can trace back all the causes and conditions until you reach the beginning of the universe. As he points out: "The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are all made of starstuff." When searching for commonality with our fellow man, reflecting on the ultimate beginning of everything helps tear down the walls that we continuously build in our minds. The second quote I like to reference when discussing interconnectedness is from Thich Nhat Hanh: There is a cloud floating in this sheet of paper. Without a cloud there will be no water; without water, the trees cannot grow; and without trees, you cannot make paper. So the cloud is in here. The existence of this page is dependent on the existence of a cloud. Our normal mode is to look at objects (such as a sheet of paper) and consider them separate and distinct from everything else. Hanh's quote encourages us to change that perspective. The sheet of paper is not separate and distinct, and it would not exist without the cloud that brings rain. He goes on to add: "Let us think of other things, like sunshine. Sunshine is very important because the forest cannot grow without sunshine, and we humans cannot grow without sunshine. So the logger needs sunshine in order to cut the tree, and the tree needs sunshine in order to be a tree. Therefore, you can see sunshine in this sheet of paper." As you can see, taking the time to mindfully examine a sheet of paper - something you probably see every day - brings insight to the interconnectedness of everything. He continues: "And if you look more deeply...you see not only the cloud and the sunshine in it, but that everything is here; the wheat that became the bread for the logger to eat, the logger’s father - everything is in this sheet of paper." You can take this further, and consider all the things that ultimately gave rise to the logger's father. And all of the things that gave rise to the wheat that became the bread for the logger to eat. Pick something and perform the same analysis. I am sitting on a wooden chair as I type this article. Some of the same factors come into play: the rain, sun, and soil that helped the tree grow. The people who cut down the tree and transported it. The people that made the chair. The store that sold it, and all of the people who worked at the store. And on and on and on. There are uncountable causes and conditions that led to me sitting in this chair right now. What brought about the weather that led to the tree growing over the years? Where did the food come from that all the people responsible for the chair ate? What actions did their parents, grandparents, great-grandparents (and so on) take to bring everyone to this exact point in time? The questions that can be asked over something as simple as a chair are endless! "It's a small world" is a quote we hear often. When you expand your perspective and consider the dependency that any one thing has on everything else, this quote rings true. Interconnectedness isn't a new-age platitude - it's something you can easily prove to yourself with mindful examination. Whether you are examining an apple pie, a sheet of paper, a chair, or a person, you will find that no one thing is distinct and separate from everything else. To the contrary, everything exists because of the causes and conditions that brought it into being. And, in turn, everything will become part of causes and conditions that bring other things into being. Pull a thread here and you’ll find it’s attached to the rest of the world. - Nadeem Aslam "Your inner narrative""Your inner narrative" is a 15-day meditation challenge scheduled for release on April 6th - you can preorder it now for half price!
Last updated October, 2018. note: we link to our free guide to mindfulness and meditation at the bottom of the page (no email required). It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Brian writes: "I always hear 'be compassionate,' and sometimes it's a challenge. I think I do the right thing, and I help someone who is genuinely in need, but I also know that people take advantage of the generosity of others. If they don't work hard to help themselves and improve their lives, I feel it is their own fault and they aren't deserving of assistance. Is this wrong thinking, and how can I be more compassionate if it is?" Hi Brian, your thoughts on compassion are common. It comes down to judging others, and determining who you think is - and isn't - worthy of help. The problem with this thinking is there will always be someone who "takes advantage" of the system, but you can't punish everyone because of it. So, in essence, I'm advising you to drop judgment. Which logically leads to the question: "How do I stop judging people?" There are people in need everywhere, and it's human nature to assume their situations are self-created. That person asking for money? Well, he should just get a job (and, he probably drinks and does drugs!). That single mother who needs help? Well, why did she have kids in the first place (and, is that an iPhone she has!?!)? We are skilled at rationalizing and creating stories about the things we see, and that makes it easy to judge, blame, and ignore. We've all been told that to be more compassionate, you simply need to "put yourself in their shoes." Imagine yourself as the homeless person, the single mother, the alcoholic, or the guy out of work for over a year. But, this advice rarely helps. Why? It doesn't help because we rationalize that, if we were in their shoes, we would have made better decisions and taken better actions:
The list goes on and on. And, that's the flaw in our thinking. You can't think of it as YOU being placed in THEIR shoes, but still making decisions as YOU. That's not how it works. You have to think of YOU actually being THEM, atom for atom. You aren't just making YOUR decisions in THEIR shoes - you are them, having been subject to the exact causes and conditions that put them in the place they are right now. Those causes and conditions stretch back in time, and include the decisions and actions of parents, grandparents, and other people we have no insight in to. If you truly contemplate this, you will realize the odds of you ending up different than them are zero. But, you have to be honest. You have to admit you could never know all of the factors (causes and conditions) involved in making someone who they are. And, you have to drop the reflex of thinking of it as YOU in THEIR shoes, but still making decisions as YOU. That is the heart of compassion. It's not writing a check, giving a homeless person $5, or working in a soup kitchen. Those things are important, but they aren't compassion. Compassion is dropping our rigid views and judgments. Compassion is admitting that, if we were born into the same circumstances and exposed to the exact same things - if we switched places with the other person atom for atom and were subject to everything they were exactly as they were, we would most definitely have ended up at the point they are now. As with anything else, this requires practice. You can't just "flip a switch" and drop your judgment and conditioning. It's worth the effort, though: true compassion not only dictates how you treat the world around you, it dictates how you treat yourself as well. As The Dalai Lama said: A mind committed to compassion is like an overflowing reservoir - a constant source of energy, determination and kindness. This is like a seed; when cultivated, gives rise to many other good qualities, such as forgiveness, tolerance, inner strength and the confidence to overcome fear and insecurity. The compassionate mind is like an elixir; it is capable of transforming bad situations into beneficial ones. Stop dealing with the symptoms.Stress, anxiety, self-confidence issues, the inability to stop bad habits, problems with sleep and focus, and on and on and on.
These and the other things we struggle with every day are only symptoms. The good news is, they all share the same root cause. The bad news is, if you don't address that root cause, the symptoms will keep coming back no matter what you do. That's why we wrote "An owner's guide to the mind." For almost 20 years, people have been using it to address the root cause of their daily struggles. Click here to view the contents and learn more. |