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If you see something that looks odd or doesn't makes sense (other than our writing, of course), please send us an email and alert us. Hopefully things will be back to normal shortly. Thank you! Last updated December, 2017. note: our free guide to mindfulness and meditation really is free - no email or registration required. The link is at the bottom of the page. It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Kevin writes: "I have a quick temper, and I find myself getting angry often. I meditate off and on - usually when I'm stressed - and I like what it does for me. But, I need to figure out how I can use it to get over my anger, especially at other people when I feel 'wronged'?" Anger comes into being because something is happening that we don't want to be happening. Or, because something isn't happening that we do want to be happening. Maybe it's a barking dog. Or, a scratch on your car. Or, a hole in your favorite shirt. To use your example, you perceive that someone has treated you badly. Perhaps someone was rude to you. Or, they made you feel threatened or attacked. Regardless, you feel "wronged" and you have a desire to make that feeling go away. This desire gives rise to thoughts and emotions that ultimately condition our behavior and dictate our actions. These actions might be to keep everything bottled up inside. This can have serious consequences, however. To return to your example, if you choose to suppress or bury anger, it can surface in other ways: stress, aches and pains, illness, unhealthy mental states. Or, you may project it towards others. We've all had situations where we are mad at one person (for instance, our boss or a co-worker), and take it out on another (for instance, our spouse or children). But many of us don't bottle it up. Instead, we decided to do something - and, that "something" will probably be pointed and confrontational. After all, you're attacking a perceived threat (or, defending against one). So, our actions might be to argue, blame, lash out, or become physically aggressive. No matter what we do, the process that leads to our actions unfolds quickly. The thoughts, emotions, urges, and other mental activity that arise in relation to the original situation tend to sweep us away, and - as a result - our behavior is usually automatic and instantaneous. In other words, our reactions are habitual and don't leave room for much skillful contemplation. We take the bait of our minds, and drop into the patterns of retreating or attacking. But, if we learn to strengthen awareness through meditating, we can slow this process down and learn to observe it without getting caught up in it. Instead of giving in to the urge to reply, attack, or defend (or quietly seethe), we can watch that urge as it comes into being, exists, and ceases. Is it uncomfortable? Sure, especially at first. But, the discomfort isn't permanent either. It, like all of our mental activity, arises and passes - provided we don't give it fuel to persist by indulging it. Meditating allows us to see the temporary nature of all phenomena directly. We can watch it all unfold in a controlled environment (i.e., sitting and practicing), and - as we get better at it - we can transfer this ability to a non-controlled environment (i.e., daily life). As we learn, first-hand, that we no longer have to get caught up in (be a victim to) mental activity, it becomes easier to apply that knowledge to challenging situations in the real world. And, our compulsive minds cease dictating who we are and what we do. The key to seeing benefits, however, is developing a consistent practice. It's not a "spot fix" you only do when you get stressed. Instead, you have to do it every day. It's like building a muscle through exercise - you can't just do it "now and then" and expect to see results. The good thing about meditation is that it's simple. The bad thing is, most people don't realize it. There are so many misconceptions, and meditating is often steeped in mysticism and complexity: chanting, sitting in funny positions, trying to stop thinking and/or trying to control your mind. But, it's none of that. What are you trying to "cope" with?
Coping doesn't work - addressing the root cause does. We'll show you how. < note - on our site last week, we published "Meditation explained in 60 seconds." Click the link for a simple explanation you can share with family and friends. Last updated July, 2019. Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, please consider supporting us by checking out our 15-day meditation challenge: "Your inner narrative". It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Cynthia writes: "I'm going through stressful times, and frankly I am finding it too hard to meditate. I can notice my thoughts when things are calm - but, when things are not calm, my ability to observe vanishes. At that point, if I force myself to meditate, I get more upset, more stressed, more angry than before. I've been trying for a few weeks now - any advice?" You said you can notice thoughts when things are calm but not when they are stressful. Let me rephrase that for you: you are saying you can meditate unless it's too hard to meditate! You aren't alone. It doesn't apply only to you, and it doesn't apply only to meditating. To the contrary, it's the case for most of us, and it's the case with most things in life! When conditions are good, it's easy to do the things we are supposed to do. When conditions aren't good, it's hard to do the things we are supposed to do:
It's important not to look at meditating as a "quick fix" or spot treatment: you can't just do it sporadically and expect meaningful benefits. You have to build a consistent practice and do it every day - whether things are going good or not. Especially if they're not! This consistency and repetition will improve your ability to observe your compulsive mind and its non-stop activity, and it will strengthen awareness so you can see everything as it unfolds. As a result, you learn not to get caught up in all of it. The more you do it (sit and practice), the more you will be able to carry that skill into stressful times and use it. Put another way: practice makes perfect. Though, technically, perfection isn't skillful to strive for - so, practice makes better. You also said meditating causes you to get more stressed, upset, and angry. Realize that meditating doesn't cause these thoughts, emotions, or mental states - it simply strengthens awareness of what is already there. So, by definition, you become more aware of your mind, your racing thoughts, and whatever they give rise to: stress, anxiety, depression, problems with focus, and so on. But, again, it's already there whether you meditate or not. While you can't run from it, you can ignore it - but that's not a healthy option. The thoughts and emotions will end up manifesting in different ways:
The good news is, meditating doesn't ignore it - it treats the root cause. When you practice, your job is to:
Moving your attention away is the critical part, and meditating helps you develop this skill. Through a consistent practice, you learn that none of the mental activity is permanent. Your mind will try to convince you that it is - but, you can directly experience that it isn't. You can learn to observe it all as it comes into being, exists, and ceases. Or, as we're fond of saying, you can watch it all pass the same as you watched it all come - just like clouds moving across the sky. The reward that comes from a consistent practice is you no longer get lost in the drama of your compulsive mind. And, as a result, you can live a happier, more peaceful life. "Your inner narrative"How do I just “let things be”?
“Your thoughts about the situation cause you to suffer more than the situation itself” — what does that even mean? How do I get proper instruction in meditation and mindfulness? “Your inner narrative” — our 15 day meditation challenge — answers all these questions (click here to read about it). Last updated August, 2021. We keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the end of this article to learn about our newest program, "Instruct your brain." It's time for another installment of "Question and Answer Tuesdays!" Brian writes: "When you discuss mindfulness, you talk about the present moment. What does it mean to be in the present moment? Aren't we by default always in the present moment?" Yes, technically speaking, we are by default always in the present moment. At least, your body is always in the present moment. The question is, where is your mind? Your mind has a tendency to do one of three things:
There are several problems with not being present. First, you aren't focused on the task at hand. At least part of your attention (sometimes a major part) is focused on something that isn't actually happening. As a result, your time and energy are not being fully utilized here and now. Second, you cause yourself to suffer. Some of the suffering is obvious: dwelling on the past leads to regret and depression, worrying about the future leads to stress and anxiety. What about daydreaming and fantasizing, though? How is that bad? You are creating an alternate reality for yourself - a reality that you deem more desirable than your current situation. You are rejecting the present moment - but, at some point, you have to return to it. And when you do, you probably aren't going to be happy. The bottom line is here and now is the only place you can ever experience life! Watch yourself for the rest of the day and see where your mind takes you. Are you focused on the present moment? Or, are you in the past, future, or some alternate reality? The good news is, when you cultivate mindfulness (strengthen awareness) you ground yourself in the present moment. You spend less time regretting, worrying, and fearing. You spend less time filled with stress and anxiety. And, you focus your attention and efforts on what you are doing now:
Whatever you are doing, be completely present with it. The more time you spend in the present moment, the more you realize that happiness, peace, and contentment isn't something you find "out there." To the contrary, it's all right here and now. You just need lo learn to focus your attention on it, and quit getting caught up in the stories of your mind. Instruct your brainIf your nervous system is in a constant state of high alert, your quality of life will suffer dramatically. Whether it's chronic pain, sleep problems, gastrointestinal disorders, or a plethora of other symptoms, your brain can wreak havoc on your body.
We can help you calm down your nervous system and improve your quality of life - click here to find out more. The creator of meditationSHIFT published a new article on Medium. Here is an excerpt: "I didn't know much about meditating. I sat on the floor with my back against the wall and my legs crossed (I couldn't do the fancy “lotus position,” — I still can’t, actually). I set a timer for 20 minutes, and focused on my breath as it entered and exited my nostrils. It was a not-so-magical experience that lasted about four minutes. At that point, I opened my eyes to see how much time had passed, and immediately got frustrated. I decided to be diligent, though, and closed my eyes again. This time, for around two minutes. At that point, I decided to end my first foray into meditating altogether!" Go to Medium to read the rest (you don't need to create an account to read it, but if you have an account and enjoy the article, please "Recommend" it). You can find all of Jon's articles on Medium here. < What are you trying to "cope" with?
Coping doesn't work - addressing the root cause does. We'll show you how. |