Last updated October, 2019. Before you scroll down...we keep this site ad-free for our readers. If you get value from what we write, click here to learn about our 15-day meditation challenge, "Your inner narrative". Happiness is elusive. Or, it might be more accurate to say, consistent happiness is elusive. We stumble on it now and again, but life is a series of peaks and valleys - it seems any happiness we find is fleeting. Maybe we're looking to the wrong things? Most of us tend to think that changes to external circumstances will bring us internal happiness (and peace, and contentment). Getting a new job, a new partner, a new "toy" or gadget. Or, moving to a new location. That's what will finally do it! This thinking is reflected in the old adage represented above: "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." But, when you reach the other side of the fence, the grass seems to be greener somewhere else. Perhaps even back on the side you originally came from! By searching for happiness "out there" - in the next promotion or position, the next city or house, the next car, the latest smartphone, the next relationship - you may find some satisfaction, but it never lasts:
And, when the satisfaction disappears, you go back to searching for the next thing to make you happy. It's a vicious cycle which only serves to prove if your happiness depends on something external happening, you will never achieve it. This bears repeating: If your happiness depends on something external happening, you will never achieve it. Why? Because there will always be something else external that needs to happen - it's a trap of the mind! Your happiness gets lost in "If only...":
But, external circumstances do not produce happiness, they merely trigger it. By strengthening awareness* of your mind and its activity, you come to see it runs you through a never-ending gauntlet of "If only" scenarios. You see how it constantly promises you that happiness is somewhere just over the horizon, and it will be yours once you achieve "this" or acquire "that." Awareness also teaches you that the trigger for happiness is something you can control internally. And, once you realize this, the "seeking trap" dies. Your happiness is no longer dependent on something from the shelf in a store (or something you order online), or the approval of another person. To the contrary, true happiness is cultivated from within, right here and now. This understanding brings another positive side effect: when external circumstances don't go the way you want, they no longer have the same effect on your internal happiness. Consider the ocean. The surface may be in turmoil due to storms and rough waves. But, deep down below the surface, it's calm and serene. As you strengthen awareness, the same applies to you - the turmoil on the surface (external circumstances) does not affect the conditions deep down (internal happiness). Your happiness is within your reach - you just have to quit putting other things between you and it. *How do you strengthen awareness? Through a consistent meditation practice. We have a free guide here. What's next?Common questions we're asked:
Our 15-day meditation challenge - "Your inner narrative" - answers these questions and more. Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. We received another question from a participant in our challenge, and felt it worthy of its own post. It may be shorter than usual, but hopefully you'll find it insightful. The question: "I am told I have a 'short fuse' and I'm quick to jump to conclusions. I understand being aware of your thoughts, but I'm not sure I understand how being aware of my thoughts really does anything for me when it comes to this problem. Does it, and if so can you explain?" This quote from Bhante Henepola Gunaratana provides some insight into the above question: Mindfulness gives you time. Time gives you choices. Choices, skillfully made, lead to freedom. You don't have to be swept away by your feeling. You can respond with wisdom and kindness rather than habit and reactivity. Right now, you are conditioned to act certain ways in certain situations. If that person does "X," you do "Y." That other person - if they do "A," you do "B." Your spouse or your children? If they do "this," you do "that." Experience (what happens in and around us) gives rise to feelings, and feelings give rise to intentions. This is all aided and abetted by thoughts and emotions. And, it results in conditioned behavior and habitual actions and reactions. Without awareness, this process is somewhat automatic, and culminates in the struggles and suffering we deal with daily (i.e., stress, anxiety, emotional turmoil, etc.). Someone cuts you off in traffic? You find it unpleasant and lash out. Maybe you honk your horn. Maybe you make an obscene gesture or curse them under your breath. You might escalate the situation into a confrontation. Or, you might carry around the anger for the next few hours and let it affect your day (how you feel, how you interact with others, etc.). Sometimes you are able to stop yourself from getting caught up in this process. Most of the time, however, it unfolds without a lot of input from you: experience, feelings, intentions, thoughts and emotions, actions and reactions, emotional turmoil. With awareness, however, you learn to see the process unfold more clearly. You can slow it down, and mindfully examine it: "Here is a situation, here are feelings about it, here's what those feelings normally lead to: will it be beneficial to me if I go down that same old path? What will the result be if I take the bait my mind is dangling? Maybe I can do something different. Is there more skillful actions I can take...is there a better way to handle things? Can I 'let it be as it is,' and move on with my day? Can I let thoughts and emotions pass (the same as they came), and not get caught up in them?" Awareness helps you realize your actions and reactions don't have to be automatic. Instead, you can create S - P - A - C - E. And, this space allows you to see you don't have to be at the mercy of the next feeling or thought, emotion, and urge that pops into your head. This is how your break out of conditioned behavior and habitual actions and reactions. This is how you learn to respond instead of react. How do you strengthen awareness? Through a consistent meditation practice. If you're ready to learn, we have a free guide that's been shared over a million times - the link is at the bottom of the page, and no email is required. <>
Our minds constantly create stories about what we experience, and we spend most of our time caught up in those stories. This results in the stress and struggles of daily life. "Your inner narrative" (our 15-day online course) can help you break that pattern. Read Day 1 here (no email required). Thanks for visiting - 2023 marks our 20th anniversary! This site is ad-free and supported by sales of our online courses. If you get value from what we write, click the link at the bottom of the page and read Day 1 of "Your inner narrative" to see if it's right for you...no email required. |